100 Things You Will Be Judged About By Your Fellow Moms

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judging mom

No matter what choices you make as a parent, there will always be people ready to take a drink of Haterade. Mom judgments are as eternal as tax day, as perennial as the seasons and as hard to stomach as  basically any baked good I’ve ever tried to make. Here are 100 things you can and will be judged on by fellow moms. These might not all apply to everyone, but there is something here for moms from all walks of life.

100. Bottle feeding.

99. Breastfeeding.

98. Exclusively pumping.

97. Feeding your baby a mixture of cow’s milk, malt flour, and potassium bicarbonate.

96. Working outside the home.

95. Working INSIDE the home.

94. Working on a super-villain-esque weapon that will destroy the world.

93.  Being a Stay-At-Home-Mom.

92. Being a stay-at-home Tiger Mom.

91. Being a slacker mom

90. Being a SLUT.

89. Two words – Soccer Mom.

88. Having a tattoo.

87. Having ALL the tattoos.

86. Getting your first tattoo as a grandma.

85. Being a PRUDE.

84. Did I mention being a slut?

83. Liking big butts

82. Not lying about liking big butts

81. Using the Ferber Method

80. Using the “Hide in the Bathroom Till the Crying Stops” Method

79. Using too much social media

78. Not using enough social media

77. Liking a photo on Facebook and expecting that to cure cancer (as they should be judging you, because DUH)

76. Watching too much daytime TV

75. Watching ANY soap opera

74. Two more words: Baby Einstein

73. Not having seen Frozen yet

72. Having memorized all the lines to Frozen 

71. When your kids know the words to every Eminem song

70. Two MORE words: Conscious Uncoupling

69. Basically anything Goop related

68. Being overly religious

67. Being an Atheist

66. Only going to church on holidays

65. Never going to church

64. Going to ALL the church services

63. Being a Scientologist

62. Veganism

61. Paleo dieting

60. “Eating the leftover chicken nuggets from your kid’s Happy Meal” dieting

59. Being a helicopter mom

58. Free-range parenting

57. Loving video games

56. Hating video games

55. Being ambivalent about video games

54. Spoiling your kids

53. Sparing the rod

52. Depriving your kids of “all the things you couldn’t have”

51. One word: Macrobiotic

50. Feeding your kids McDonalds

49. or sugar…

48. or soy

47. Being a teen mom

46. Being an older mom

45. Basically any age you have kids will have its share of haters

44. Being gay…

43. or bisexual

42. or pansexual

41. or transgender

40. Basically if you’re a part of the LGBTQ community in any way. Because people are awful.

39. Being a terrible cook

38. Being a great cook

37. Being a great takeaway order maker

36. Sending your kid in with store bought cookies because dammit, baking sucks.

35. Watching anything Real Housewives-related

34. Knowing what a Kardashian is

33. Not watching Orange is the New Black (because you’re only hurting yourself)

32. Owning a TV

31. NOT owning a TV

30. Being a douche about not owning a TV

29. Thinking that miso soup is a proper alternative for vaccination

28. Not vaccinating because you believe Jenny McCarthy over science and facts

27. Did I mention being a slutty old whore-o-rama?

26. Aging in any way

25. Not aging the right way

24. Mom jeans

23. Shopping at Nordstrom

22. Shopping at Wal-Mart

21. Shopping at a thrift store

19. Taking your toddler clubbing

18. Having 20+ kids

17. Choosing to only have one kid

16. Choosing to have no kids (hey, pet parent still counts as a parent)

15. Choosing life

14. Choosing the right for a living, breathing mom to take precedence over the possibility of a life (aka being pro-choice)

13. Being anti-choice (and no, this is not the same as simply choosing life)

12. Using birth control

11. Using the rhythm method

10. Using the “pull out and pray”method

9. Having an abortion

8. Giving your child up for adoption

7. Being in an abusive relationship

6. Leaving an abusive relationship

5. Loving your kids more than your husband

4. Loving your husband more than your kids

3. Putting yourself last

2. Putting yourself first

1. Being a judgmental asshole.

(Photo:  Connie Wade/Shutterstock)