19 Kids And Counting: Jessa’s Dress And Planning The World’s Most No-Fun wedding

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Another week, another dispatch from Duggar Land and this one was a doozy. Guys, I have never seen a more unimpressed bride than Jessa Duggar. This girl wants to get to The Sex and be left alone and it just could not be more obvious. Last night’s episodes included her picking out a dress and venue as well as having engagement photos done. We also got our first peek at Baby Dilly and some info about Jill’s barfy morning sickness. Another roller-coaster week from our favorite soldiers of Christ on 19 Kids and Counting!

Of course, the episode starts off the same as always-by reminding everyone who is engaged, who is married and who is growing a little solider of the Lord in their blessed uterus. Jessa says she is engaged to Ben Seewald and we immediately cut to Ben going over the “goodies” he gets now that he’s put a ring on it. And it’s pretty much just…Hand Sex. The usual. They love to restate over and over how they save “the physical aspect” of the relationship for marriage and God, they look so smug. Live and let live, but sorry, I cannot support holding up this weirdness as the ideal. Kiss the man, Jessa. Know what you are getting yourself into.

Jessa says she is going wedding dress shopping and Ben asks if he can come. He has never sounded more like Forrest Gump than he did last night. No, Derp. You can’t go see your girl trying on wedding dresses. There’s plenty of time for good, clean Christian humping once you get married-try not to spray your shorts for just a few more months. I mean, neither of them have jobs or go to school so that’s pretty much all they will have to do once they are married. Just as Jim Bob intended.

Ben’s mom and sisters are joining the Duggar ladies to see Jessa try on wedding dresses and Ben’s mom is definitely a few levels of fundie below Michelle. Regardless, it is immediately noted that she and Michelle have “the same personality”, which I guess is code for “submissive and subdued with a healthy dose of Crazy Eyes.” Her name is Guinn and Ben is her oldest child. He is only 19 so I am guessing Guinn is in her late 30’s, which is quite young to be “giving away” your first child. She seems cool, mentioning that she knows how hard it is to court and have to resist temptation all that time.

That said, Michelle is definitely on another plane with the whole “babies are everything” shtick. Guinn sweetly asks for her advice since she has been there, done that, with seeing some of her kids get married and leave home. Michelle says she only feels joy because she can’t think of a better reason for her child to leave home than to marry someone they love and I’m sitting on the couch downing my second vodka-cranberry sputtering “COLLEGE, MICHELLE! THEY COULD DO THAT TOO!” I really shouldn’t drink and Duggar.

Michelle goes on with her usual pre-programmed blathering about grand-babies and blessings and Guinn does a wonderful WTF face and says she would rather focus on the wedding (here, here, Guinn.) Michelle really needs to get a grip and remember that Jessa is barely 22 and Ben is still a teenager. Luckily, it would seem that Guinn is cognizant of that fact. At least one of the moms has her head on straight.

On to the dress shop. Jordyn and Josie are adorably excited but I’m guessing after the sixth or seventh Duggar wedding, they will be rolling their eyes. Jinger says she’s “amazed” that Jessa’s big day is “finally” almost here. Jinger, darling, we all love you. But your sister is barely 22. There is no “finally” about any of this. Maybe once Jana the spinster (who so helpfully held the dress shop door open like the little handmaiden she is) gets married, we can start applying words like “finally” and “amazed.”

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: In Which Jill Has A Mansion And Jessa Has Mold)

The bridal shop ladies appear mildly horrified at the posse Jessa rolls in with. In an interview, one of them says a group of five is “a lot” and Jessa has well over a dozen people with her. They ask what she is looking for and of course, we go down the line with every Duggar lady affirming her commitment to modesty and discussing the virtues of covering up from head to toe. Whatever. In interview, Ben says he would like to see Jessa in a gown with angel wings. Maybe he caught a few minutes of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show last year. NIKE, DUDE. He then says the dress better be modest because Jessa is his girl and he gets jealous if guys look at her. Vomit.

Michelle talks about how Jill got the “princess treatment” when trying on gowns-she had her hair and make-up done beforehand. But that’s “not Jessa”. Again, she wants to be in and out and move on. It’s kind of sad that Michelle is all starry-eyed about this whole process and Jessa is very whatever. She honestly doesn’t appear to give a shit.

She steps out in the first dress and Guinn is all verklempt saying she looks like Cinderella. Back off, Guinn. Jana is Cinderella. She doesn’t have anything else in life, let her have that! The next dress is the blush-colored number that we already know Jessa ends up choosing and she is honestly stunning in it. Everyone oohs and ahhs over her.

Moving on, Jill is tutoring James in his home-schooling lessons. James was one of their main chaperones back in the day and he seems to enjoy spending time with Jill and Derick. It would be cute if it weren’t so creepy. He says they can do what they want now that they are married but that he still feels like a chaperone sometimes. He accompanies Jill to visit Derick at work, which she apparently does on a daily basis. She and Derick discuss her morning sickness and honestly, Jill looks like hell, the poor thing. Maybe she could take a break from her “loving wife” routine and not drive back and forth to visit him during the barfy weeks. Poor girl.

Jill and Derick receive the weird baby mobile that Josh and Anna made for them when they were getting married (not sure why it didn’t come until a month after the fact, but whatever.) It has items on it themed to Nepal (where Jill and Derick first met), Arkansas and airplanes. They call to thank them and I still can’t stop thinking about how loony it is that they made a baby gift for a wedding. Although, she was pregnant the moment the ring was placed on her finger so, I guess it worked out ok.

Back to the bridal shop, and our sweet Jinger has gone dead in the eyes. Any spark of rebellion we saw in her over the last several years has been vanquished by her parents’ brain-washing methods and she is now a good little Duggar daughter. She is all “this is going to happen for years and years with us all going to the bridal shop” and all I can think is that we wanted so much more for her. Jessa comes out in the blush dress and declares it “the one” and Guinn cries and Michelle falters a bit. I really think the blush color bothered her. She wanted virginal white, no question, but this is Bad-Ass Jessa Duggar we are talking about. She hates cake and won’t be bound by your lame wedding traditions. She looks amazing, done dinner.

It’s time to meet with the church ladies at the chosen venue. Jessa picked a different church than Jill, which was weird to me. I thought they all used the same church but Jessa does want to be *different*, I guess. No cake, blush dress, foreign church. REBEL. The church ladies are all sorts of nervous because Jessa is inviting half of Arkansas and they think only 500 people can fit. Jessa is planning to send out 900 invites and it will translate to about 1300 people at the wedding. Jill had 1700. I’m scared there won’t be enough hot dogs in the state of Arkansas to cover it. That’s ok, people can share.

They all walk down the aisle of the church together to check it out, Ben holding Jessa’s hand. Jim Bob creeps up from behind and reminds him that next time, HE will be the one walking her down the aisle. Gross. Jessa goes on a rant about the fact that cake is even expected because like, who even decided that would be a thing?! Man, what did cake ever do to Jessa?

Jill and Derick are at their first mid-wife appointment for Baby Dilly. She says she is so excited to finally be the pregnant one (again, she’s 23, nothing FINALLY about it) and they get to hear the heartbeat. Derick is actually pretty adorable because he has never experienced this before. He only has one sibling and Jill has 18, plus, her mid-wife experience. Jill talks to the mid-wives about how she’s not feeling well and they discuss her diet for the coming weeks. She looks exhausted. Only 18 or 19 more times to go, Jill! Stay strong for the Lord!

Jinger is now taking Jessa and Ben’s engagement photos and we once again hear about how they can’t kiss or front-hug so the photos will need to be “creative” to show their affection. Again, is anyone realizing how odd this is? You’re about to get married-touching lips is not a sin. Jinger is talking about her love of photography and how a typical engagement shoot would go. She sounds very smart-I’m wondering if she’s hiding books under her bed. Jim Bob better take a look. Jessa calls Josh and asks if he will do her wedding invites, which explains why they appear to have been done in Microsoft Paint. Since when is Josh a graphic designer? Whatever, Duggars.

The final scene is everyone trying on the awful bridesmaids dresses that Jessa insisted on ordering, sight unseen. Even Jana is voicing her disdain and Jana would not say shit if she had a mouthful of it so you know it’s bad. She is refusing to come out at first but Bridezilla forces her to. Jana is so stunning but even she can’t polish this turd. The dress looks like something off the clearance rack at Forever 21 which is fine if you’re spending the night bar-hopping but not so much for a fundie wedding. Jessa gives not a single shit and tells them all the dresses look fine. In interview, she says they can return them and buy different ones if they want to, she doesn’t really care.

That’s it for this week! Next week’s episode looks like more wedding planning madness and I can hardly wait to gaze upon Jessa’s amazing Resting Bitch Face once again. It is truly a sight to behold. See you then!

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: In Which Jessa And Ben Full-Frontal Hug And Enter The Fiery Gates Of Hell)

(Image: Defy Media)

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