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19 Kids And Counting: Jessa’s Dress And Planning The World’s Most No-Fun wedding

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Another week, another dispatch from Duggar Land and this one was a doozy. Guys, I have never seen a more unimpressed bride than Jessa Duggar. This girl wants to get to The Sex and be left alone and it just could not be more obvious. Last night’s episodes included her picking out a dress and venue as well as having engagement photos done. We also got our first peek at Baby Dilly and some info about Jill’s barfy morning sickness. Another roller-coaster week from our favorite soldiers of Christ on 19 Kids and Counting!

Of course, the episode starts off the same as always-by reminding everyone who is engaged, who is married and who is growing a little solider of the Lord in their blessed uterus. Jessa says she is engaged to Ben Seewald and we immediately cut to Ben going over the “goodies” he gets now that he’s put a ring on it. And it’s pretty much just…Hand Sex. The usual. They love to restate over and over how they save “the physical aspect” of the relationship for marriage and God, they look so smug. Live and let live, but sorry, I cannot support holding up this weirdness as the ideal. Kiss the man, Jessa. Know what you are getting yourself into.

Jessa says she is going wedding dress shopping and Ben asks if he can come. He has never sounded more like Forrest Gump than he did last night. No, Derp. You can’t go see your girl trying on wedding dresses. There’s plenty of time for good, clean Christian humping once you get married-try not to spray your shorts for just a few more months. I mean, neither of them have jobs or go to school so that’s pretty much all they will have to do once they are married. Just as Jim Bob intended.

Ben’s mom and sisters are joining the Duggar ladies to see Jessa try on wedding dresses and Ben’s mom is definitely a few levels of fundie below Michelle. Regardless, it is immediately noted that she and Michelle have “the same personality”, which I guess is code for “submissive and subdued with a healthy dose of Crazy Eyes.” Her name is Guinn and Ben is her oldest child. He is only 19 so I am guessing Guinn is in her late 30’s, which is quite young to be “giving away” your first child. She seems cool, mentioning that she knows how hard it is to court and have to resist temptation all that time.

That said, Michelle is definitely on another plane with the whole “babies are everything” shtick. Guinn sweetly asks for her advice since she has been there, done that, with seeing some of her kids get married and leave home. Michelle says she only feels joy because she can’t think of a better reason for her child to leave home than to marry someone they love and I’m sitting on the couch downing my second vodka-cranberry sputtering “COLLEGE, MICHELLE! THEY COULD DO THAT TOO!” I really shouldn’t drink and Duggar.

Michelle goes on with her usual pre-programmed blathering about grand-babies and blessings and Guinn does a wonderful WTF face and says she would rather focus on the wedding (here, here, Guinn.) Michelle really needs to get a grip and remember that Jessa is barely 22 and Ben is still a teenager. Luckily, it would seem that Guinn is cognizant of that fact. At least one of the moms has her head on straight.

On to the dress shop. Jordyn and Josie are adorably excited but I’m guessing after the sixth or seventh Duggar wedding, they will be rolling their eyes. Jinger says she’s “amazed” that Jessa’s big day is “finally” almost here. Jinger, darling, we all love you. But your sister is barely 22. There is no “finally” about any of this. Maybe once Jana the spinster (who so helpfully held the dress shop door open like the little handmaiden she is) gets married, we can start applying words like “finally” and “amazed.”

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: In Which Jill Has A Mansion And Jessa Has Mold)

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