STFU Parents: Parents Who Freak Out About Noise During Nap Time On Facebook

Last week, the Daily Mail — doing what it does best, creating “news” by parsing the internet — ran a story about a man whose new downstairs neighbors have been on an incessant nap attack for the past several months. He had introduced himself to let them know he occasionally plays a drum kit while wearing headphones, but then he made the enormous mistake of giving out his cell number, saying he could be reached if they ever needed anything or thought he was being too loud. Little did this innocent drum kit hobbyist realize, that type of assurance and communication access were music to his new neighbors’ ears. It turns out they have a small child, and that child’s nap time is sacred — so sacred, in fact, that the man was capable of disrupting it by simply being at home. Several times, the parent-neighbors have texted the man requesting that he postpone his (mostly silent) drumming, turn down the volume on his TV, or generally stop making noise at times when he wasn’t even at home. In every instance, their tone suggests that he should schedule his life around a child’s nap schedule, and in every instance, he’s as nice as a person who’s being ordered around by his neighbors can possibly be. And yet, he still received a notice from building management saying that he was disrupting his neighbors “due to the noise being created” by his drum kit, and now he’s worried about having to move. Typical.

It’s no secret that nap time is sacred for parents. How could it be? Parents love nothing more than to complain about whatever or whoever fucked up their kid’s nap time. Children and their “schedules” can drive a sane person crazy, but nap time in particular has parents by the balls. If a kid doesn’t go down for a nap and needs one, or is awakened after not sleeping long enough, s/he will turn into a brutish, writhing monster within a matter of hours. That kind of horror is something so feared by parents, they themselves turn into brutish monsters ahead of anything even going wrong. They’re actively on the defense, hoping, praying, and texting to ensure complete and total silence for their precious angel so that s/he won’t, god forbid, wake up. Some parents will tell you they use noise machines, fans, and special sound apps to help them get their kids to sleep and block out the noise. Others will tell you that they vacuum as their babies sleep to teach them to get used to noise outside of their midday, darkened cocoons. Regardless of the tactic, the one thing everyone can agree on is that sleep-deprived children are terrible to be around. Unfortunately, not everyone can agree on how to deal with noise.


Having a baby is supposed to remind us that the world is so much bigger than we are, and we’re all going through this crazy, mixed-up life together — but for some parents, it’s a lesson in how to be even more self-centered than the average person who isn’t caring for a toddler. It’s an attitude borne out of both privilege and sleep deprivation, and the toxic combination results in near-comedic levels of parental exasperation on a daily basis (or until the child stops napping). If you’re a parent who is manic about nap time, you’re ALWAYS manic about nap time. Nothing else matters except peace and quiet during very specific intervals of time. Not your neighbor, not the dog, not the postal worker — nothing. There’s a reason “doorbell signs” and “no soliciting” signs have become running jokes, memes, and full-on businesses in recent years.



Not that there’s anything wrong with a proactive sign, but something about those doorbell signs always feels hostile, or bordering on “urgent.” You can really picture the people who write them bearing down on the paper after searching their drawers for the largest Sharpie they own. And you get the sense that the sign isn’t just a suggestion, it’s a mandate, and it better be fucking adhered to, capisce?? When parents enter into a one-way agreement with every human, animal, and machine in the outside world which dictates that they won’t make a peep during nap time, things inevitably go awry. Even by leaving a sign on the door, parents are setting themselves up to be disappointed. You know who comes to the door? The pizza guy. The UPS guy. The guy selling something. They ignore notes like it’s literally their job. I’m completely in favor of the door notes, but I think they’re a good example of parents having unreasonably high expectations when it comes to the rest of the world “respecting” their child’s various nap times. Or sleeping at any time, for that matter.


This mom just trolls the Calgary police on Twitter whenever they fly helicopters anywhere near her home. Never mind that helicopters cost money to fly and probably aren’t being flown for “fun.” Never mind that the police have jobs to do, and in Calgary, they’re apparently getting them done with helicopters. Who cares about the police and the people they’re being paid to serve and protect? Nothing else matters if kids are sleeping, and the Calgary police should already know that. You know who’s going to be pissed off and committing a crime soon if the police helicopters don’t buzz off? This mom! You know who couldn’t care less? Everyone, including the Calgary police.

Let’s check out some more examples of parents who are irrationally upset about their children’s (potentially) ruined nap times. These parents prove that you can never have too many people to blame, and you can never rant about nap time on Facebook too much. Woe is mom is in full effect, and they just DGAF. Really, what is it about “QUIET” that you people don’t understand??

1. Male Construction Workers

 1. construction

Ugh, male construction workers who just. do. not. get it. AMIRITE?? It’s like, hey guys, I know you’re busy working in the hot sun doing physical labor, and some or none of you have health insurance, and your job is suuuuper arduous and whatnot, but do you guys ever stop to think about anyone but yourselves? Do you consider the people whose lives — or more importantly, NAPS — you’re interrupting with your loud, unnecessary, constant midday noise? Or do you just go about your workdays as if no one can hear you? As if tiny children don’t sleep within feet of you!! It’s almost like male construction workers don’t even *understand* nap time, and how it makes a mommy’s world go ’round. Maybe if they took a day off from lugging giant bags of sand and drilling into concrete and hauling trucks of lumber they would conceive of such a thing.

2. Doorbell Ringing Maintenance Workers

 2. doorbell.

Lindsey seems pretty reasonable, and yet she still appears to believe her children’s nap time shouldn’t be disrupted even for a day, even if it’s due to city sewer maintenance, which is one of those “for the greater good” type of things. This is one of those Facebook conversations that I can see being argued both ways: On the one hand, she’s commiserating with friends, and Facebook is great for that. On the other, she’s whining about her kids not getting a good nap in rather than being grateful that she lives in a city / state / country in which municipalities come by to do routine and/or emergency sewer maintenance. Can’t we all just be grateful for shit like that instead using Facebook as a personal whine repository? Jennifer knows what I’m talking about.

3.  Loudass Lawn Equipment

 3. lawn_neighbors

This dad is like the Official Mansplainer of Nap Timeâ„¢. Not only does he give a quick square footage explanation, which, while descriptively funny, isn’t something his neighbors don’t already know, but he also paints himself as being this very tolerant guy who can totally appreciate lawn care, to an extent, when really he’s a guy who would complain regardless of how many pieces of lawn equipment are being used during nap time. Even a creaky hammock swing would irritate this guy if it was swinging anywhere near the side of the house with the baby’s room. He’s just a guy who isn’t a big fan of his neighbors, and especially isn’t a fan of his neighbors’ propensity to use a garage’s worth of lawn equipment. And really, who is? There are two types of people in this world: those who use leaf blowers, and those who HATE leaf blowers. But the difference between this dad and everyone else is that he’s the one SHOUTING AT HIS NEIGHBORS ON FACEBOOK and mansplaining nap time. I think I’d rather have a beer with the people who are unnaturally obsessed with an area rug-sized plot of grass than the guy who’s barking loudly and brusquely on Facebook about his NAPPING CHILD.

4. TFW U Live By An Air Force Base

 1. lives on an air force base

I’m not sure which makes me pity Red more: that she doesn’t know how to spell the plural of “fly,” or that she wasn’t prepared to regularly hear jets flying overhead despite (according to the submitter) living on an air force base. It’s hard to believe anyone living on or near an air force base would EVER be surprised by the sound of roaring and soaring jets, but I have soooo many of these submissions, it’s ridiculous.2. top gun

Haha, yeah, THANKS OBAMA. The jets near Tiffany are so freaking obnoxious and annoying! You’d think she wouldn’t be so bothered, though, since according to the submitter, “We grew up in Clairemont, San Diego which is a military town. MCAS Miramar is directly north of Clairemont so hearing jets is nothing new. They filmed Top Gun there. So I just found it hilarious that now all of a sudden it’s an issue since her baby was sleeping.” After reading this explainer and the submission, I’ve decided everyone in this thread who isn’t into “noisy jets” should just move to a new town.

5. Locking Car Doors Isn’t That Hard

 5. car beeps__This person is CONSTANTLY complaining about the world outside her babyΓÇÖs window, and how it is destroying her nap

Daaaaaamn, Amy kinda gets pwned in this horn beep Facebook convo. People seem eager to chime in and add their opinion, all of which boil down to, “STFU, Amy. If your kid can’t sleep through a beep on the street, you might want to come up with a solution other than ‘scolding people on Facebook for locking their cars.'” I agree it’s annoying that car manufacturers make it hard to disable the automatic beep, but not because it might have the potential to wake a sleeping cherub. Just because the world doesn’t need more beeps. Amy should turn up her baby’s (possibly nonexistent?) noise machine and take a nap herself before she starts scolding car manufacturers on their corporate Facebook pages.

6. Freaking Loud Neighbors

 6. freaking loud neighbors_sleep deprived mama

I’m pretty sure Isaiah just outlined my Halloween costume this year. “Zombie Mom” wears dirty sweats covered in baby barf, never takes off her yellow dish washing gloves, hasn’t showered in six days, and loves wearing her Baby Bjorn as she meticulously organizes her husband’s sock drawer. She roams her community in a slovenly, stained robe, making eye contact with neighbors silently for 30-45 seconds before screaming at them, and it’s always the same psychotic rant about nap time. It’ll be like “Carrie” on the prom stage meets Samuel L. Jackson’s character in “Pulp Fiction” reciting Ezekiel 25:17. Very ominous. Besides, what’s scarier than a “sleep deprived mama!!!!!”? I’ll tell you: Absolutely nothing. Just a thought.

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