The Mommyish Family Planning Guide: How To Figure Out How Many Kids You Want

Deciding how many children to have can be tricky for some couples. Sometimes one partner wants all of the children, while the other would be happy with one or two. Some couples think that it’s important for a child to have a sibling while others are good with “one and done.”

Let Mommyish do your family planning for you. Here are pros and cons for the different number of children you may be considering having:

1. Zero children.

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PROS:  The world is your oyster. Too many people have kids because they feel like they should, but you had the courage to say, “No thanks.” With zero kids, you can focus on what you love – your career, your partner, and your sweet, sweet silence. Take a few trips without any Goldfish crackers for me.

CONS: Well, kids are pretty awesome. Mostly. And why should the rest of us suffer while you get to dance around childless? Also, from a practical standpoint, who are you going to complain about to the other residents at the home if you don’t have kids? I’m just saying it’s something to consider.

2. One child.

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PROS: Assuming you have a partner, this is an awesome two-on-one set-up. If you don’t have a partner, then you at least have man-to-man coverage going on. You also get to focus all of your love and attention on one little person, and you might only go to the grocery store once or twice a week. It’s also way easier to keep track of one kid. There are lots of pluses here.

CONS: Oh my God, it’s time to schedule another play date. You are going to be the sole source of entertainment for this child. It’s like every work party you’ve ever been to solo — exhausting, dull, and potentially embarrassing. Little kids like to tell a whole lot of stories, and you, my friend, are an audience of one.

3. Two children.

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PROS: A second child does a lot of wonderful things. They are a playmate for the first child. They teach the first child that they are not the center of the universe and that sharing is something they are going to have to get used to. You’re a lot less freaked out with your second child, making parenting a wee bit less stressful this time around. Also, depending on how things have gone with the first kid, you can consider this your “do-over” child.

CONS: Things are starting to get noisy…very noisy. There’s a certain type of parenting fugue state you go into when you have two children telling you two different stories loudly at the same time. Teaching them to share is an enormous pain in the rear, and they will constantly fight. You’ll be saying, “One day you’re going to be thankful you have each other” in your sleep.

4. Three children.

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PROS: Alright, now you’ve got the whole 2.5 kids thing going! You are a little nuclear family. Maybe you got the boy or girl you were hoping for the third time around, or maybe you got your third boy or girl because sometimes God likes to have a laugh at your expense. Your three children can learn from each other and will protect each other. It’s a beautiful thing. Plus, there are three seats in a your typical backseat, so everything fits together well.

CONS: Triangulation. The odd man out. This is what happens with odd numbers. Two of your kids (a different two every time) will leave out the other one, and many tears will ensue.

5. Four children.

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PROS: You love having kids! You like having a noisy, busy house. There is always something going on, and that’s just the way you like it. Who needs “me” time when you have “we” time!

CONS: Four is just slightly above the norm, so you’ll get a lot of questions from idiot strangers. “Are they all yours?” “Did you plan to have four kids?” Now is the time to concoct a story a la the TV show Orphan Black, in which you are harboring clones who have been separated for their safety. Actually, that might be more of a “pro” depending on how creative you are willing to get. You will also need to be prepared for a lot of parent-teacher conferences when your kindergartner goes around school spewing curse words taught to him by his older siblings. Your kid is going to be the kid that tells the rest of the class that Santa isn’t real.

6. Going Duggar

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PROS: Give me all of the children, all of the time. You, my friend, have made raising children your profession and life’s work. You can’t get enough diapers or screaming teenagers, which is a good thing because you will have three or four children in diapers at once and possibly five or six teenagers. All at the same time. In your house. You have a sweet tour bus to drive around town in, and have built a compound on the outskirts of town that feels like a very homey orphanage.

CONS: See “pros.” Also, you may be slightly crazy, so there’s that to worry about.

(Photo: RT images / Shutterstock)