Dun dun da duuuuun. Wedding bells are almost ringing for Jessa and Ben as TLC continues to draw out the pre-wedding shenanigans for as long as humanly possible! Last night, we got a whole hour out of basically nothing — I felt so cheap afterwards falling for the previews that “big things” were going to happen. Man, the Duggars are cash cows for this network. Anyway, let’s get moving as we obsess over the latest episode of 19 Kids and Counting.
The wedding of the year (well, the second wedding of the year) for the Duggar family is only a week away and Jessa thinks she has this shit on lock. She has her dress, the bridesmaids dresses, the venue is picked and the terrible, amateur invites have been sent to approximately every Christian family in the Arkansas state limits. Jessa and Ben do some teenagerly whining about how it’s taking too long to get to the wedding and Ben is all “it’s like being a kid…are we there yet?” and I’m all drinking and Duggaring, shouting at the TV that you ARE a kid, Ben! Jesus Henry Christ.
Anyway, Jessa is like, so over it with wedding planning and clearly, just wants to move on to The Sex with her teenage husband and who can blame her? Helping out around the homestead with your 15 brothers and sisters or humping your new husband in his attic apartment? It’s a no-brainer. They go on a little trip with their chaperone du jour, Jeremiah, to get their marriage license and they pay the $60 fee with what is undoubtedly Jim Boob cash.
The little old marriage licensing clerk blabbers about how he did Jill and Derick’s license too and omg, this is boring. TLC must have realized that and manufactured some drama involving Ben and Jessa’s officiant. It sounds like he might not be able to do a ceremony in the state of Arkansas which obviously means doom and a suspenseful commercial break. We then find out that he could just send a copy of his certificate and pay $5 in any county in Arkansas and he’s all set. I love how TLC tried to make this seem so dire. The desperation for an interesting plot point is readily apparent. They get their license and go on their merry way and I can already see Ben trying desperately to read it. You’ll get there, Derp.
Michelle is concerned about pulling everything off for the wedding (which is dumb because we already know it’s all good) and she’s in the kitchen with a giant pile of tulle on the counter. We find out that it’s actually Grandma Duggar’s wedding gown, which Michelle reminds us half a dozen times that she wore too when she married The Boob. Turns out they are cutting pieces of the tulle underskirts and making little talismans for every Duggar daughter on their wedding day. This is actually kind of sweet but I’m sure Jessa won’t give a shit. Michelle makes a little tulle flower to stick in the bouquet and says they will surprise her with it on her wedding day. Jessa better have her best Resting Bitch Face all ready for the occasion.
Jill, Derick, Jessa and Ben are on a double date at some painting studio with Jill and Derick acting as the chaperones. Of course, it’s closed to everyone but them because Duggars are special. They are doing some crappy painting of a tree with a heart drawn on it and their initials in the middle of the heart. Each couple does their own and just like the initials on the pies the little boys made last week, Ben and Jessa’s proudly reads “BJ”. Me and my vodka are amused but of course, the Duggars are oblivious. Derick starts in on his idiot talk about how if Ben tries anything with Jessa he will have to tackle him. Eye roll. He says he knows “that look” that Ben gives Jessa because he gave it to Jill and I’m thinking he’s confused because Ben always has a look and it’s probably just him rubbing his three brain cells together trying to remember to breathe.
Time for a good old-fashioned Duggar homemade pizza night! We cut to interview where Michelle says the older kids running off and getting married has them realizing how precious their time with their children living at home really is so they are trying to spend it with them now. Lord, whatever. You have 19 kids. There is no way on earth you’ve spent enough quality time with any of them, and you never will. Not enough hours in the day, Michelle — no matter how hard you pray.
Jim Boob is spinning pizza dough and looking like a total asshole, naturally. It’s full of holes and looks like garbage and I’m pretty sure it will be inedible. Josie is sucking on vegetables before she sticks them on the pizza and Michelle says they have to make sure not to eat that one. Michelle is clearly not as Mom as I am because I eat pre-chewed food my kids abandon on the regular. Just shows how often her Daughter Nannies are doing the dirty work, raising the little ones. They put pickles on the pizza, which makes me want to throw up, and then start shoving them all in their 17 ovens. All of this food got me thinking about Duggar sewage. I hope they have a really efficient septic system because year over year, that is a lot of Duggar dung to process.
We return to close out the staged painting scene for Jessa, Ben, Jill and Derick. Jill yabbers on about giving Jessa marriage advice because after two whole months, she is a God damn sage. Jessa grudgingly mentions Jill’s pregnancy and how excited she is for her and Derick. It could not be more obvious that Jessa doesn’t give a shit and it makes me love her all the more. Derick and Jill won’t stop kissing and this whole scene just sucks. Rah, rah marriage. We get it.
Anna and Josh are getting ready to head to Arkansas for the wedding but Anna is going ahead with the kids on her own. Josh has a prior commitment so he cannot fly down until the day of the wedding (guessing it’s some sort of anti-abortion, women’s rights-limiting rally that simply can’t be missed). This means Anna is flying “alone” with the kids and I use quotes because they also claimed their dumb road trip last summer was just them and the kids when we later found out Jana was with them being a silent nanny. I’m sure TLC sent someone along to help her on the plane.
Time for a Jim Boob and Michelle-led pre-marriage counseling session for Jessa and Ben. Now, I don’t knock this sort of thing in theory — it can be very helpful for a marriage to talk about potential issues beforehand. But of course, the Duggars manage to make it creepy. Boob starts in with his “men like sex, women like to talk” stereotypical bullshit and Ben and Jessa nod like zombies. This is what I can’t stand about these people — women can like sex too. And men can like talking. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. They discuss various hurdles and how to overcome them, such as how to get through arguments and whatever. They end with Boob reminding Derp that Jessa is one of the most amazing girls in the world and Derp repeats some things he probably memorized the night before off of flashcards. Then, we get a gross little kissing lesson from Boob and Michelle and Jessa looks like she might climb the walls. Do not want.
Sierra the wedding planner is at the house to discuss final preparations. Jessa goes on another tirade about the evils of cake and reiterates that there will only be ice cream with a bunch of toppings. To that end, Sierra has now been roped into making brownies with a bunch of the little kids to crumble up as one of the sundae toppings. Guys, the wedding guests are now bringing gifts to get a rubbery hot dog and an ice cream sundae with potential Duggar Boogers because the kids are ALL over these brownies with their grubby little paws. Michelle says she thinks the kids give Sierra “energy” while they make the brownies and meanwhile, Sierra’s face says she wants to choke a tiny Duggar and make it look like an accident.
Anna is trapped on the flight with Marcus on her lap flipping out. If TLC sent a nanny, she is well hidden because poor Anna is in the thick of it. They land at the airport and are met by Jessa, Ben and Jinger. The little ones are very excited to see their aunts and uncles who are basically their age and when they arrive at the house, everyone is thrilled. Michelle says in interview how great it is that the grand-kids and their young children are more like cousins than anything else. It is pretty sweet and they do seem to be having fun so fine, Michelle. I’ll give you this one.
The final scene is Jessa and Ben running a few final pre-wedding errands and non-Duggar chaperone Anna (not Anna Duggar, Anna Non-Duggar) is their chaperone. She is a friend of Jessa’s. They stop at the jewelry store first to pick up their wedding bands and Jessa finally gets her engagement ring back after almost two months of them keeping it to design her band. She won’t see her band until their wedding day, as Derp demands. He tries on his ring and OMG, you guys — he has a bunch of writing on the palm of his hand. He must have some very important reminders on there. Oh, Derp. Please never change.
Jessa tries on her wedding gown and after bitching about the train being too long, decides she loves it. They bustle it up for her and she does look beautiful. We cut to the Duggar compound where everyone is hanging out and Sierra is talking to Jessa telling her this is “the calm before the storm” and that on the wedding day, everything will be crazy. Well yes, when you invite 1300 people that is probably to be expected. Whatever, Duggars. I’m about out of patience for tonight.
Next week, we have even more pre-wedding build-up because TLC is squeezing every last drop out of this nonsense. See you then!
(Image: Defy Media)