19 Kids And Counting: Michelle’s Wild High School Years And Ben And Jessa’s Wedding Registry Of Horrors

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Good morning, Duggar faithful! Last night’s episodes were full of exciting new Duggar activities such as, ladies working out in heavy jersey skirts and Ben “Forest Gump” Seewald putting chocolate milk and play swords on his wedding registry. As usual, I simply cannot even so I need ya’ll to roll your eyes with me. Get ready, get set, it’s time to dissect this week’s thrilling installment of 19 Kids and Counting!

First on the production schedule is Michelle’s 30th high school reunion. Now, I will cop to not knowing a ton about her past as a heathen, bikini-wearing cheerleader, but I know we had some loyal readers in the comments from last week point out that she seems to think she was responsible for a neighbor’s divorce because she was mowing the lawn in a bikini. Oh, Denim Jesus — take the wheel. Poor Michelle. If she honestly thinks that, I can see why she’s always spoken of her youth like it was something to be hidden and ashamed of. These people are just not right.

We meet Michelle’s childhood BFF, Cindy. She is in town for the reunion and she and Michelle are going to the gym together. Of course, Michelle is in a thick, jersey skirt with pants underneath and all I can think is BUTT SWEAT but hey, whatever’s clever. The ladies are on elliptical trainers and chatting about what a joy it is to be working out together when Cindy says that Michelle is the only person she knows with 19 kids who works out every morning. Dude, Cindy, open your Crazy Eyes (yup, she has them too) and see that Michelle has a cadre of unpaid, full-time, live-in nannies. Getting out of the house ain’t no thang when Jana-rella Duggar will handle the mom duties.

OMG, ya’ll! Ben and Jessa’s shitty wedding invitations have arrived! We saw the front months ago but last night, we got to see the back. They are postcards and only need an address label before being mailed out and you guys, they look like an ad for a gym. If you’ve ever received a giant postcard from Planet Fitness or whatever, that’s basically how it looks. Nice graphic designing, Josh! They let the little kids help put the address labels on, which was quite gracious of them considering it’s their wedding invites and kind of important. They’re treating the whole thing like a big prom anyway so I guess it makes sense.

We return to Michelle and Cindy’s workout (neither ever sweat, by the way — this is totally for the cameras) and Cindy is teaching Michelle a few weight-lifting moves. This is where Michelle talks about her teenage struggle with an eating disorder, which I will not ever mock or make fun of because I am The Worst but not THE Worst. Cindy says she only found out about Michelle’s bulimia when she read about it in one of the Duggar’s books, which I find sad. Her BFF didn’t even know. Michelle talks about how she used to make herself sick if she thought she ate too much and that it was destructive behavior (of course) but that coming to the Lord helped her out of it. Hey, if that’s the case, good for her. She says that she has frank discussions with her kids about what she went through and tries to help them stay healthy. There is just nothing about this that we can laugh at so I’ll just say, four for you, Michelle. You go, Michelle. It’s brave of her to discuss this for all of America to hear.

(Related: The Duggars Have A Scandal And It Might Be Exciting If It Were 1915 Instead Of 2015)

Time for more wedding planning with Beauty and the Derp. Sierra, the same wedding coordinator that Jill and Shitty Derick The Animal Abuser used, is at the house talking to them about the details. Ben is at his Forest Gumpiest as they discuss his favorite ice cream flavor. He likes mint and dark chocolate and he says this is because it leaves you with “good breath” after. Oh, Derp. Never change. Jessa likes peanut butter and chocolate, which Ben helpfully points out, does NOT leave one with good breath. He’s so deep, you guys. Sierra hounds Ben about his tux because the wedding is in 42 days and he does not know yet what he’s wearing. I would assume that means the groomsmen too and they have approximately 400 people in their wedding party, so they should probably get on this. Ben seems unconcerned about the short time frame and Sierra looks like she wants to throttle him, so Jingersnaps to Sierra.

The time has come for Michelle’s reunion and of course, she is bringing The Boob and a few of the kids. It is noted right away that Jana will remain at home to care for the little ones (of course — she doesn’t get to have any fun) while a few older kids get to go out. Upon arrival, several of Michelle’s classmates are interviewed and some tell tales of a very feisty young woman who battled the boys to play their games and climb trees instead of doing more girly activities. To the Duggars’ credit, even if it’s in skirts, they don’t seem to stop the girls from horse-back riding and working out as you will see later in this recap. Gotta give Duggar credit where it’s due, I suppose. One classmate mentions Michelle threatening to beat up a kid who pissed her off and she looks MORTIFIED. I can’t imagine being truly embarrassed as an adult looking back on my childhood exploits but of course, she has probably spent her life repenting for those “sins.”

Her classmates have no idea who all the kids are — most can only name a handful. They all seem surprised that Michelle ended up having 19 kids. They thought maybe four or five but clearly, they did not know what Jim Bob and the Lord had in mind for her. Jim Bob says the reunion was fun and they pack up and head out. I have to say — I was hoping for more scandalous Michelle information, but I guess TLC is sticking to keeping them in a positive and shining Jesus-y light. Whatever.

The family is now headed to a farm to go horse-back riding in honor of Johannah’s ninth birthday. Jessa notes that Johannah is tomboy-ish and loves to be rough and play with the boys. Of course, that part of her personality will be prayed out of her and soon, she will join formerly interesting Jinger as a glassy-eyed fundie-bot but let’s enjoy her boisterousness for now. Jim Bob says that they try to do something special for every family birthday but that with several birthdays each month, it can get difficult to do something unique. Johannah loves horses so this one was easy. Grandma Duggar and sinful, pant-wearing cousin Amy are in attendance and Grandma smugly points out that she can ride a horse “in the right skirt” which I am sure is a slight to naughty Amy and her dirty dungarees.

In the next scene, Michelle and the kids are talking in voice-over about Ben and how him living with them has been great because he’s like a brother to them now and tons of fun. Michelle is doing some token kitchen work and looks completely out of her element. Maybe Jana had to poop or something or maybe TLC knows that the audience thinks Michelle is living high off the hog with her older kids taking on the duties their gigantic family requires. Either way, I am kind of snickering at her awkward dish-drying abilities.

We now segue into a scene where Ben is leading Jessa, Joy-Anna and Jason in a Forest Gump workout. They are literally pushing trucks, you guys. Because that could not at all result in a hernia or broken bones or Duggar roadkill of any kind. The kids claim that Ben is super into fitness and knows what he’s doing but I truly would not trust him with the safety of my children when motor vehicles are involved. Or even when a Little Tikes play car is involved. Joy-Anna immediately addresses the fact that she and Jessa are wearing skirts to work out to maintain their blessed modesty. Ben has them all run in a little footrace and obviously, Jason blows the skirt-wearers out of the water. I’m pretty athletic but yeah, I would need pants to sprint. Ben jokingly offers a warm embrace for the winner and Joy-Anna freaks out saying she’s not going to hug him. Oh LORD, with these people and their weird intimacy boundaries.

Time for a scene at Jill’s house, which I will breeze through because I will never get over her husband trying to murder an innocent cat. She is shown cleaning the house and mentions how she’s feeling better now at 15 weeks pregnant and mostly over her morning sickness. Michelle says in interview that Jill is really enjoying having her own house (and I use that term loosely since it’s free and she and Asshole Derick aren’t even paying rent.) Jana is coming over to help Jill cook some Nepalese food for Derick because blah blah probably the anniversary of the first time they held hands or whatever. So boring, I tranced out for most of it but gathered that they are trying to make dal bhat, a traditional meal in Nepal. Jana notes their fame for tator tot casserole but that something like this is a bit more complicated. I really hope they add too many spices and Awful Derick is blowing up the toilet for the next several days.

There is one more brief Derp workout scene and everyone is trying to bench press. They interview a few Duggars asking how much they can bench. Jim Boob is kinda cute for one second and says probably just Josie, who is five. Jinger is like, wtf, no, I cannot bench press anything at all. Michelle says she can bench press the weight of a baby, which considering she has had her handmaid Jana for the last several kids is probably even a stretch. The workout scene is over and we are on to the piece de resistance of the entire episode — Ben and Jessa making their wedding registry.

Of course, it’s happening at Walmart. Are the Duggars sponsored by them? If not, they should look into it. They seem to be big customers. Anyway, Ben and Jessa bring along Justin and Jordan, as those are the members of Jessa’s little childcare clatch. If you will remember, the older kids are all assigned younger sibling “buddies” that they are responsible for. They act as the day’s chaperones and also, help add things to the registry. Ben is set free with a registry gun and it is everything I hoped it would be. I think he registered for little bottles of chocolate milk, shitloads of candy and definitely some plastic play swords. As you do. He says it’s for when the little kids come over to their house so they have something to do. Jessa talks about how fun it is to register and that they need basically everything since neither lives in a home of their own yet. I can’t help but think how thrilled the guests will be when they pony up for a nice gift and are rewarded with melty ice cream and rubbery hot dogs. The Duggars sure know how to party.

The last scene is the eating of the Nepali food at Jill and Derick’s house. Poor Jana, the awkward third wheel, is stuck with the newlyweds and their constant fish-lipped kisses. Derick says the Nepali way to eat this dish is shoveling it in with your hand, which he and obedient Jill do. My girl Jana does not want to get dirty, so it’s a fork for her. Dumb Derick says the meal is excellent and the girls did a great job.

That’s all for this week! Come back next week for more on the impending Ben and Jessa wedding! I hope Ben gets his shit together and has his tux so the vein can stop popping out of Sierra’s forehead.

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: Jessa’s Dress And Planning The World’s Most No-Fun Wedding)

(Image: Defy Media)

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