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19 Kids And Counting: Michelle’s Wild High School Years And Ben And Jessa’s Wedding Registry Of Horrors

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Good morning, Duggar faithful! Last night’s episodes were full of exciting new Duggar activities such as, ladies working out in heavy jersey skirts and Ben “Forest Gump” Seewald putting chocolate milk and play swords on his wedding registry. As usual, I simply cannot even so I need ya’ll to roll your eyes with me. Get ready, get set, it’s time to dissect this week’s thrilling installment of 19 Kids and Counting!

First on the production schedule is Michelle’s 30th high school reunion. Now, I will cop to not knowing a ton about her past as a heathen, bikini-wearing cheerleader, but I know we had some loyal readers in the comments from last week point out that she seems to think she was responsible for a neighbor’s divorce because she was mowing the lawn in a bikini. Oh, Denim Jesus — take the wheel. Poor Michelle. If she honestly thinks that, I can see why she’s always spoken of her youth like it was something to be hidden and ashamed of. These people are just not right.

We meet Michelle’s childhood BFF, Cindy. She is in town for the reunion and she and Michelle are going to the gym together. Of course, Michelle is in a thick, jersey skirt with pants underneath and all I can think is BUTT SWEAT but hey, whatever’s clever. The ladies are on elliptical trainers and chatting about what a joy it is to be working out together when Cindy says that Michelle is the only person she knows with 19 kids who works out every morning. Dude, Cindy, open your Crazy Eyes (yup, she has them too) and see that Michelle has a cadre of unpaid, full-time, live-in nannies. Getting out of the house ain’t no thang when Jana-rella Duggar will handle the mom duties.

OMG, ya’ll! Ben and Jessa’s shitty wedding invitations have arrived! We saw the front months ago but last night, we got to see the back. They are postcards and only need an address label before being mailed out and you guys, they look like an ad for a gym. If you’ve ever received a giant postcard from Planet Fitness or whatever, that’s basically how it looks. Nice graphic designing, Josh! They let the little kids help put the address labels on, which was quite gracious of them considering it’s their wedding invites and kind of important. They’re treating the whole thing like a big prom anyway so I guess it makes sense.

We return to Michelle and Cindy’s workout (neither ever sweat, by the way — this is totally for the cameras) and Cindy is teaching Michelle a few weight-lifting moves. This is where Michelle talks about her teenage struggle with an eating disorder, which I will not ever mock or make fun of because I am The Worst but not THE Worst. Cindy says she only found out about Michelle’s bulimia when she read about it in one of the Duggar’s books, which I find sad. Her BFF didn’t even know. Michelle talks about how she used to make herself sick if she thought she ate too much and that it was destructive behavior (of course) but that coming to the Lord helped her out of it. Hey, if that’s the case, good for her. She says that she has frank discussions with her kids about what she went through and tries to help them stay healthy. There is just nothing about this that we can laugh at so I’ll just say, four for you, Michelle. You go, Michelle. It’s brave of her to discuss this for all of America to hear.

(Related: The Duggars Have A Scandal And It Might Be Exciting If It Were 1915 Instead Of 2015)

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