10 Reasons You Probably Hated Pregnancy Sex (And That’s Okay)

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no sex pregnant memeIn the interest of honesty, I’m going to admit something: I hated being pregnant and I hated pregnancy sex. Before becoming a human incubator for the first time, I relished hearing stories from women who absolutely loved pregnancy and especially pregnant sex. In fact, I heard so many stories about how awesome it would be, that it completely tainted my outlook on the matter. And when pregnancy sex turned out to be a bitter disappointment, I blamed myself. If all these other moms were having so much fun in the sack while preggo, why couldn’t I?

Turns out, doing the old humppity hump just isn’t as fun when you have a seven pound human bowling ball sticking out of your midsection. Not to mention the swollen ankles, the nausea, the heartburn and, as my sister put it, the fact that you can smell everyone who’s not wearing deodorant from a mile away. Obviously everyone’s experience is different, and if you’re one of those ladies who absolutely LOVED to batter dip the corn dog (or taco!) while enceinte, then more power to you. But cramming this idea that pregnancy sex is always great, and if it’s not then there’s a problem or you’re a bad wife and mother is fucked up. For some of us pregnancy sex is its own level of hell.  And here’s why.

10. You had swollen…everything

pregnant belly moving


Obviously swollen ankles are terrible, but what they didn’t tell you is how much everything else swells. I had swollen boobs, swollen knees, swollen…everything. And let me tell you, swollen ankles are a bitch to throw over your shoulders.

9. Two words: Prickly Vulva

pregnant lady says suck it

Thank goodness I never had to experience this, but a quick Google search tells me that it’s a pretty common phenomenon, and it sounds just awful. No one wants to bump fuzzies when their vag is prickly.

8. You worried about the baby

pregnant with cat

“What if  my baby is a cat?” (Photo:

Even though we all know it’s silly, I still think it’s pretty common for some moms to worry about their partner, um, poking the baby. Especially if your partner is a dude like mine is. No one wants to think about their man’s ding-a-ling knocking on the old baby cage while it’s occupied.

7. You didn’t feel sexy…like, at all. 

amy poeher cool pregnant chick

Again, your mileage may vary, but I didn’t feel sexy at all during pretty much every stage of my pregnancies. I went from puking all day to heartburn city with very little time spent in Earth-mother junction. None of this is conducive to buttering the muffin, and if you didn’t feel sexy, that’s perfectly okay, no matter what the pregnancy police say.

6. You were worried about going into labor

boom baby gif

This is especially true for moms who have more risky pregnancies, but I think every momma-to-be who’s done the dirty during the later stages of pregnancy has had this fear. Unless you’re just trying to get that shiz over with, of course…but even then, the pressure of trying to both “perform” and potentially pop a kid out isn’t exactly sexy, now is it?

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