I Would Rather Not Meet The Men Who Drink Breast Milk

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breast milk for menWe all know that breast milk is a magical liquid that turns you into a demigod and equips you with superpowers (not to mention that it tastes great mixed into cake!), but did you know that it also makes an excellent sports drink? If you are looking at that sentence with mild bewilderment, congratulations! You are a better person than I, because my face has been contorted into a permanent dafuq grimace ever since I read an article about dudes who love boob juice this morning.

Over at New York Magazine, we’re offered a rare glimpse of some grown ass men who sip on liquid gold for various reasons in the article Meet the Men Who Drink Breast Milk. And of course I say “rare” because the internet is dark and full of terrors, and if you dig deep enough you are bound to find some kind of dystopic barnyard pregnancy erotica that features the consumption of breast milk in some form or another.

mommys little moocow

via Amazon

Apparently, you don’t have to dig that far. Feel free to thank me later. Actually thank Eve-she has the 411 on weird erotica for your Kindle.

There’s the athlete:

Anthony’s energy drink of choice is breast milk.

‘I don’t believe in steroids or other energy supplements, none of that garbage,’ he said in a phone interview. He’d been buying breast milk from his neighbor for the past year, but she stopped nursing.”

After which point he presumably had to go online to buy breast milk, an astoundingly good idea!

The clean eater:

Jason Nash, a 55-year-old father of four, started drinking breast milk after the birth of his first child. ‘It occurred to me that breast milk could be just as healthy and tasteful for adults as infants,’ Nash said. ‘I believe it has kept me from getting sick all these years.’ His wife isn’t thrilled, but doesn’t mind as long as the milk comes from a safe source.

Jason goes on to explain that he only buys breast milk from women he screens by obtaining their medical records and checking them for needle marks, much as I imagine someone would vet a prized heifer.

The fetishist:

“‘All I’ll say is it’s a fetish for me,’ wrote another man, whose post on Only the Breast identified him as a ‘nice, harmless man in New Jersey seeking breast milk from healthy, non-smoking mom.’

As someone who spend a lot of time in the Dirty Jerz, I’d like to offer a tip. Any man describing himself as a nice, harmless breast milk fetishist is probably lying about two of those things.

and the chemotherapy patient:

“David, a 42-year-old Brooklyn resident, told me he first drank breast milk to help with his nausea while going through chemotherapy three years ago. The remedy was successful, and he’s been drinking breast milk ever since. He describes the taste as ‘sweet’ and  ‘ambrosial.’ (He adds that he has a friend, Joey, who started drinking breast milk on the recommendation of a holistic-health-care practitioner. Joey hopes to cure his psoriasis.)”

Hey, I’m all for anything that can ease the hell of chemotherapy. Unfortunately, it appears to be something of a placebo effect: ‘This is quite bizarre, completely anecdotal and probably complete bunkum,’ said an Oxford pharmacology professor and cancer specialist…’It probably won’t do any harm, but it’s unlikely to do any good either.'”

Additionally, if you say the taste of anything is “ambrosial” you have earned the right to describe yourself as awkward.

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