being a mom
UPDATE: Polyamorous Mom Is No Longer Polyamorous
For those of you who remember our columnist PolyMom, we have just been given an update.
I am not polyamorous. After a year of staunchly insisting I was, reading the books, the website, convincing the spouse there you have it. I am not poly. I keep rolling the words around on my tongue and then facing repercussions of my boyfriend knowing its true.
Last year, I spent six months writing an anonymous (paid, woo!) column for a website called “Polyamorous Mom” (the website isÂ mommyish.comÂ if anyone is interested). Explaining my journey into poly and chronicling the ups and downs and why it was all worth it. My first article was called “I’m polyamorous and my marriage is in the best place its ever been” or something to that effect. I’m getting divorced. So…I was delusional…or a liar…or both. Or it was my raging anxiety disorder that I am just now getting a handle on.
Whatever the reason, I thought it was great. I had fallen in love with my best friend (D) and was willing to sacrifice my marriage to J to get to keep D in my life. I told J that loving more than one only expanded the love, enriched the relationships, and I really believed this was true. I convinced him on the grounds that poly is “who I am” and he was left with the option to accept, or divorce me. He stayed…we have three kids and a long history…and he agreed to try it. He asked me to promise to always put our marriage first, and I agreed. But I wasn’t honest. I had spent 15 years taking care of him, our finances, our children, his mental illness, holding it all together and I was ready to have something the way I wanted it.
While I could watch J date, have sex, do as he wished I felt little to no jealousy or concern. I wanted him to be happy..I’d even have been happy for him if he found a woman to love him more than I. D was another story…from the beginning I struggled to accept his already being married to someone else. Someone who he saw as a soul mate…the ultimate..love beyond compare. I struggled not to compete with this…to leave his love life to him. But I was not fair to him either…I always wanted him to myself.