Polyamorous Mom: I’ve Missed My Period And I Have Multiple Partners – UPDATED



Note from Eve:

As I discovered below in the comments, Polymom has taken multiple at home pregnancy tests that have shown a negative result. I was unaware this was the case, and was told when she submitted her article that she hadn’t taken a test. She asked me to “cross my fingers” for her, which I did. Had I been fully aware of the entire situation, I would have made her headline her piece “I’m Poly And I May Or May Not Be Pregnant” or something, and in the conclusion of her article mention that she had taken tests at home. Polymom is writing an addendum which I will include when I receive it. For those of you who felt mislead by the article, to be honest I am right there with you. At the end of the day, its my job as editor to fully understand the entire situation before I chose to publish something, and I truthfully thought I did. I’m personally sorry for anyone who felt duped by this. 

And from Polymom:

To Our readers:  I did not intend to create any confusion, when I wrote this I had taken one negative urine test and then gone and purchased another after submitting.  Having been pregnant before, I am used to them not turning positive until a week or so after a missed period, so I was still (and still am) having all the same angst and turmoil of wondering if I am pregnant. 


My head is spinning. My period is four days late, and the tampons at the bottom of my purse are taunting me.  As someone with fairly regular cycles who wants no more children, I’m a little freaked out.  We all freak out at pregnancy scares, but now-a-days I have the added layer of having multiple partners.

As I’ve covered in past articles, I have three kids, a great husband, and a super boyfriend. I like this setup. I like my life. It’s hectic and a little bit crazy, and scheduling is a bear, but I enjoy every second of it.  I value the family time of playing games and baking on the weekends, weeknights on the couch watching Doctor Who with the spouse, and date night hangouts out with my boyfriend.  I think my job is okay; I love freelance writing, and I’ve greatly enjoyed being poly.  A baby fits in nowhere in this picture: There is the baby daddy aspect, the abortion potential, and the fear of surviving yet another pregnancy.

When I was younger and bored during the day, I’d watch Maury Povich and chuckle at all the ”you are NOT the father!!” exclamations.  Having a late period and having two lovers, well, it isn’t quite so funny anymore.  Currently, I cannot take birth control.  With my last two pregnancies, I had a rare and dangerous condition called cholestasis that affects your liver and makes you itch horribly.

Going back on hormonal birth control just caused this to flare-up, and I was advised to use condoms, a non-hormonal IUD, or get sterilized.  I had every intention of getting sterilized but just haven’t done it yet. My boyfriend Jim had a vasectomy years ago, so when we stopped using condoms (he’s having safe sex elsewhere), I considered that our safety net. I realize now a reversal is possible, albeit rare. My husband, despite his insistence that he’ll get the big V, is intact, and we use”¦withdrawal.

As earlier articles on Mommyish have discussed, a number of married people end up doing this despite it not being the most effective method of birth control.  Are we stupid? Or lazy? Or delusional? Maybe a little bit of all three.

So here I sit, while knowing neither has a HIGH chance of knocking me up (and as much as hubs hates that term, this time I would indeed be knocked up), I still have to wonder if I am – who’s the father?  If it were my spouse, there are still all the other complications, but we are married and already have three children, so the daddy issue is null.

If it were Jim, it would create a world of scandal and hurt across the board.  Allan, my spouse, would not be thrilled but also said he’d take some of the blame for allowing us to become fluid bonded. Jim’s wife, Diana – my god, she’d be furious. They decided years ago, and with much consternation, not to have children.  It caused waves in their relationship, and I believe all these years later they have made peace with it. What if his younger girlfriend were pregnant with his child?  The fall-out is practically unimaginable.   Then there is Jim himself. I get the feeling he’d be most amenable to my terminating the pregnancy, but I’m not sure if that’s something I could do.

I’ve never been a proponent of abortion for myself. I understand other people’s needs and decisions without judgment, but for me, I’m not sure I could do it. After our first two children and before the third, I always knew I’d keep another if it happened. We had two children and were fairly comfortable. Allan was my only partner, and I wouldn’t mind a third child.  That was a no-brainer.

But once we decided to and had a third baby, I was absolutely positive I was done.  Three kids is a lot of time, money, and work, and I know Allan and I probably couldn’t handle a third one.  But could I go through with an abortion?  Could I know I had terminated a child and be okay psychologically with it?  Perhaps not even knowing whose it was?  I don’t think so, but the alternative is equally terrifying.

My last two pregnancies were tough. With my second child, I had gestational diabetes and, later in pregnancy, cholestasis. The itching it caused was so horrible my arms and legs bled from my own fingernails digging into my skin.  I could stand little else against my body than pure cotton or nothing at all, and little helps it. Creams, antihistamines, and anything else you might suggest for itching did nothing. People would ask me if it was like poison ivy. Take poison ivy and multiply by twenty, and you might have a slight idea.

I got through it and had a beautiful, healthy baby girl. On my third pregnancy, I knew the cholestasis would come back, there was about an 80% chance, and I was a little more prepared this time.  My doctor started meds that helped, and we planned an induction as soon as we knew I had the condition.  But with this one, that wasn’t all.  Around  35 weeks, I was admitted with pre-term contractions and then sent home on bed rest and medication that made me feel horrible to wait out the next few weeks.

Those weeks were long and agonizing, and it only got harder after she arrived.  I was induced at 37 weeks, and she was born small and beautiful with undeveloped lungs.  My beautiful little girl spent 10 days in the NICU, and those were the longest, hardest 10 days of my 30 plus years.

So, now I have three beautiful children, two wonderful men, and really don’t want to change that.  Fingers crossed that all this crampiness and bloating is period related and no little sticks will be showing two pink lines any time soon.

(Image:getty images)

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