I Hate My Kid’s Friends Because Their Parents Forgot To Teach Them Manners

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I hate my kid’s friends. Clarification, I hate all of my kid’s friends except for two of them. The two that my daughter usually hangs out with are funny and charming and sweet and easy to get along with. The other ones are all a bunch of annoying, obnoxious, whiney brats who I loathe coming over to play. Parents, most of your kids suck it and you need to stop letting them come over to my house. They are constantly bored. They make a mess. They hate everything I feed them. They never say thank you. They put their feet on my coffee table and antagonize my cat and pick their noses. My daughter may enjoy playing My Little Pony Fashion Show And America’s Next Top Pony Model Singing Competition with your kid, but I still hate seeing their creepy little faces in my house.

Yeah, yeah, before you get all mom-judgey on me, I love kids. I am nice to all kids. But secretly other people’s kids annoy the hell out of me and even worse, I blame you, dear parent, for failing to raise a kid I can find tolerable. When they are at your house, do you let your kids walk all over the house in muddy shoes after kicking a ball around the garden? Do you tolerate them crying because you said “no” to a second helping of ice cream? Do you really allow them to talk to you in that tone of voice? Because my house is not some magical playground of bad behavior. They didn’t suddenly walk through my door and learn how to be rude little punkasses incapable of saying “please” or picking up 900 toys after playing with them. They had to have learned that sort of behavior is okay somewhere, and I bet it was at your house, the place they live in.

I’m not trying to be controversial. You know you feel the same way. With the weekend approaching some of you are planing on hosting play dates or sleepovers with a kid you cannot stand and you are all ready dreading it. The kid isn’t evil or harmful to your kid. They just aren’t fun to be around. And they have bad manners. And they probably don’t smell that great. And they baby talk. Don’t even get me started on the baby talk. But the biggest telling factor of these kids is that when the mom or dad drops them off they look almost gleeful about it, because you are the one who has to deal with their precious little monster for a certain amount of time and they don’t.

My kids aren’t perfect. Well, they are, truly, amazingly great. Why? Because this is how I have raised them. When I schedule a play date at your house I remind my kids of how they are expected to behave as a guest in someone’s home. I remind them to say “please” and “thank you” and to ask how the parent of their friend is doing. A simple “How are you?” is easy for even a small child to remember if you teach them how to ask this question.I remind them that they have to help clean up toys and carry dishes to the sink, just like they are expected to do at home. I tell them to offer to help grownups if they see an adult straightening up. When I drop them for a play date I expect them to greet the grownup who answers the door in a polite manner and say thank you for having them over. I kiss them goodbye and say “Remember your manners.” I text or call the parent and ask if my child is behaving. And then when I pick them up I make them say goodbye politely and thank the adult for having them over. 

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