Childrearing

What Your Birth Order Says About You

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shutterstock_45612637Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you probably know by now that the order in which you were born in your family shapes your personality. I can attest to that because I am the annoying oldest child to a T. I’m responsible, I’m scheduled, I’m organized, I can be obsessive, and I often boss my brother and sister around and drive them crazy.

Of course, not all stereotypes are 100% true, but it’s pretty interesting to see what your birth order says about you—kinda like reading your horoscope. If anything, you can use your birth order in the family as justification for why you act the way you do. If you throw a hissy fit because your dad won’t let you carve the turkey on Thanksgiving “just this once,” you are obviously the baby of the family. If you sit and brood during family fights and run out in the yard to smoke cigarettes behind the shed later, congratulations—you’re a middle child.

Are these birth order stereotypes fact or fiction? Here’s what your birth order says about you:

1. Oldest Child: You’re a cautious, controlling, over-achieving, perfectionist, and nobody does it better than you.

Translation: Your sibs think you are ANNOYING AS FUCK and don’t deserve all of the privileges in the family.

Prediction For The Month: Your younger siblings will try to overthrow your leadership role by boycotting your monthly family brunch with Grandma catered at your house. You’ll get the last laugh when Grandma slips you a $50 for being the only grandchild to show up.

2. Middle Child: You are the face of “middle child syndrome.” Most often, you feel overlooked and rejected as the child caught in the middle in the house.

Translation: Nobody in your family recognizes your awesome-sauce. You plot how you will graduate with honors and start your own brilliant entrepreneurial-dotcom-biz from the privacy of your secret hiding spot behind the shed as you chain-smoke cigarettes.

Prediction For The Month: Don’t attend that stupid, boring Grandma brunch. Your older sister is a spotlight-hogging bitch.

3. Youngest Child: You are often called the “baby of the family” and bask in pampering and special treatment from your parents and older siblings. Expect even more favor if you are the baby of a very large family. Milk it for all it’s worth.

Translation: You may never have to pay for a meal, but everyone in your family thinks you’re a mooch. Not to fear, you can work this to your advantage. Every time you do something even remotely adult, like paying your bills on time, your parents will send out a newsletter in your honor.

Prediction For The Month: Claim that you will attend the boring Grandma brunch until the very last second, and then bail for a Netflix marathon. No one will call you on your shit anyway. It’s the perfect crime.

(Image: arek_malang/Shutterstock)