10 Reasons Tacos Are Better Than Tweens
Unlike morons who favor days like Wednesday or Friday for various reasons, my favorite day remains will always be Tuesday. Yes, the week has just begun and you’re stuck at work for almost as many days as when the week had begun, but Tuesday comes with a special little reward tucked in–tacos.
Crunchy tacos. Soft tacos. Tacos on corn tortillas. Tacos on flour. Spicy tacos. Mild ones. Fish tacos with mango salsa. Tacos were made when Zeus took the form of a jalapeno and made love to some sour cream, according to an ancient legend I just made up. If I had to pick between a taco and a baby or a taco and a toddler I think we all know that I would pick the taco every time, because tacos are better than everything. Including tweens.
Tweens are a horrifying amalgamation of child and teenager, held together by new and strange hormones. I know you’re thinking “that sounds awesome!” but you’re wrong. Tacos are awesome. Tweens are not.
1. Tacos will never roll their eyes when you tell them that you love them. Tweens do this all the time. They have to, to strengthen their eye-rolling muscles for the years when they hate you.
2. Tweens will sometimes co-opt the car stereo and make you listen to that one song that One Direction sings about 50 times. Tacos, on the other hand, don’t evenÂ likeÂ One Direction.Â
3. Tacos don’t wear makeup, and therefore will never steal your makeup to put on their faces after they get on the bus. This is also true because tacos don’t really ride buses by themselves.
4. Tacos have a wonderful natural smell. As a result you never have to try to find a delicate way to get them to put deodorant on.
5. Similarly, tacos rarely equate Axe Body Spray or that body sparkle mist you can get at Justice with deodorant, fill up a tub with the stuff, and splash around until the entire house smells like a middle school dance.
6. If you are concerned that your taco might not “come out quite right”, you can just give it to the dog or add more queso. You are stuck with your tween and your prayers that they will be relatively functional members of society one day.
7. Because tacos don’t wear clothing, you will never wash a pair of their jeans with five separate tubes of lip gloss or sticks of gum inside.
8. Tacos are relatively neutral on the topic of “Boo: the cutest dog in the world”.
9. You will never sit down on the computer to find that tacos have googled “naked lady boobs please”.
10. When you pick up a taco, it is relatively light. Pick up a tween, and you are instantly clotheslined with the notion that your baby is not a baby any more and you might cry. If this happens, I suggest eating a taco. Tacos will make it better.