I’ve admitted before that I was a waaaaay better parent before I actually became one. Witnessing the way some of my friends were dealing with motherhood, I was silently smug with the idea that the whole thing would be a breeze for me. I was wrong.
I would like to officially apologize to all of the women I silently judged before I became a mother. You have no idea who you are, because I would never have voiced such things – but I really thought you were all exaggerating about how tough certain things can be. I’m dealing with my karma now. I accept it. Here are a few of the many things I didn’t believe about motherhood:
1. How much it hurts to breastfeed.
I thought it was the most natural thing in the world and of course the baby would just instinctively know how to latch right and it would be happily ever after. Funny. I paid for this assumption with sore, cracked nipples.
2. The whole “lack of sleep” thing.
I really thought the lack of sleep thing was exaggerated for comedic effect in pregnancy rom-coms. It’s not. There’s something about not having an uninterrupted night of sleep for a few years that changes a person. I’m probably dumber than I was before I gave birth.
3. How hard it is to get a kid to eat sometimes.
Just feed him what you’re eating and if he doesn’t it eat it – oh well. A kid is not going to starve himself! Shut the fuck up, me.
4. The importance of naps.
I always thought my friends who were adamant about their kid’s nap schedules were going overboard. Now I see it’s one of the only times in a day when I get some time to myself. I get it. That is important.
5. The terrible twos.
How bad can a kid be? You have to train them. They only get away with what you let them get away with. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
6. How little time you have to yourself.
It comes with the territory. When you have small children your time to yourself will be hard to come by.
7. How hard it is to have a phone conversation.
This used to irritate the hell out of me before I had kids. The constant side conversation my friend would be having with her kid when we were talking on the phone; the directives, the answering of questions – I remember thinking, “Can you ignore your child for 10 minutes.” Not really. That’s why I wait until my kids go to bed to call my friends – because they do deserve my undivided attention (my friends).
9. How much of the work defaults on to you because of your “mom” status.
I don’t know if it has solely to do with the whole “emerging from your body” thing – but kids always want their moms.
10. How much you will love yoga pants.
Yup. Tired, wine-drinking, yoga-pant loving, walking stereotype. That’s me.
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