That Cute Little Pit Bull Puppy Will Eat Your Face Off, A Children’s Book By Maria Guido

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According to the author of the new children’s book, Galunker, about a misunderstood happy little pit bull that does not eat children – millions of pit bulls will be killed in shelters this year. But kids can save the day! By reading this book and realizing that pit bulls are happy little animals that don’t hurt anyone.

Obviously no traditional publishing house is going to touch a children’s book about how great pit bulls are, probably because so many are horrifically attacked by them every year. What a genius idea to teach children not to be afraid of this breed. Maybe they’ll start approaching them more, because that hasn’t proven to have disastrous results or anything. This is a joke.

The Huffington Post is running the opening segments of the book exclusively, and Galunker has a Kickstarter page to attempt to get funding to publish the book because in the author’s own words, “… no conventional publishing house will go near it. We were told: ‘You might as well write a children’s book about meth.'” Maybe they’ll do that one next.

I wrote a few pages of my own little children’s book, that I think will do more good for kids than Galunker. It’s called, That Cute Little PIt Bull Puppy Will Eat Your Face Off. Here it is:

That Cute Little Puppy Will Eat Your Face Off, By Maria Guido

Hi little kid,

See that cute little puppy?

He will eat your face off,

He tends to be grumpy.


Pit bulls are hated by many you see,

Because they have a habit of eating kids as a delicacy.

Their owners insist it’s the fault of the kid,

For reaching for the bone the harmless doggie hid.


If you reach for his leash, or his bone, or his face

You will wish that you didn’t and he’ll probably give chase.


He’s barking, he’s growling, he’s fast and he’s strong,

He’ll catch you and bite you – it’s so very wrong.


Is there something you did to provoke this attack?

His owners will blame you,

Sure as the night sky is black.


It’s never the fault of the dog or the breed.

Sorry you lost your arm – is it one that you’ll need?


Too bad no one was there to protect you,

What’s that you say, your mother was there, too?


They’ll blame her,

They’ll blame hunger,

They’ll blame noises and people,

But they’ll never blame the dog,

Even if you’re laying dead in a steeple.


So listen to me kid – these dogs are just trouble,

And their owners are worse, maybe even double.


If you see a pit bull,

Even if he’s happy and smiley

Run the other way

This I recommend highly.


No dumb dog is worth losing a limb,

And those who protect him are not your friend.