20 Things You Only Say When You’re Pregnant

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Pregnancy. Yes it’s a wonderful time in your life, but there’s also a parade of indignities that go along with it. You have to step on a scale in front of someone every few weeks, and pretend like you’re totally comfortable with someone in a lab coat sticking their fingers in your vagina while your partner watches. Fun!

In addition to all the doctor-visit weirdness, you will be shocked and sometimes confused at the words that come out of your mouth. Don’t worry. You’re not alone. Here are some things that actually came out of my mouth while I was pregnant.

1. You can make s’mores with Devil Dogs, right?

2. Don’t spoon me. There’s not enough room for you and the body pillow.

3. Can you shave my legs for me?

4. No I’m NOT cleaning the litter box. Are you CRAZY?

5. A little wine isn’t going to kill a baby.

6. I’m wearing pajamas to the store and you can’t stop me.

7. Kegels are really hard.

8. Your mother isn’t allowed to see my vagina.

9. Does this baby make me look fat?

10. I’m having a Big Mac for breakfast and I don’t want to hear about it.

11. If you eat sushi in front of me one more time I’ll probably stab you.

12. I can’t carry anything. It’s dangerous.

13. Yes, I’m crying. So what?

14. God I wish men could get pregnant.

15. I don’t care what my bikini line looks like. I can’t see it.

16.  If I can shoot your baby out of my vagina – you can rub my feet.

17. Don’t let that old lady touch me.

18. I’m just going to stay in the bathroom because I’ll have to pee again in three minutes.

19. I don’t give a shit if it’s pasteurized or not just give it to me.

20. Why is it so hot? WHY IS IT ALWAYS SO HOT?