10 Things Google Says Husbands Love When You Google ‘Gifts For Husbands’

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I am usually really good at giving my husband gifts. Well, let me clarify. About once every few years, I get him a present that knocks Santa Claus out of the park. I’m talking about the kind of presents that legends are made of. This year, however, is one of my “off” years, so I went to my BFF Google for ideas. Sadly, Google was not helpful to me.

If Google is right about the kinds of things husbands want as gifts, then my husband is a poor representation of husbands. The men who want these gifts are not native to my land. Here are the most common categories of gifts for husbands according to Google:

1. Watches

Still? Why are we still doing watches? Who wears a watch anymore? And since when did watches become the new sports car? If you scroll through men’s watches, they are all trying to outdo each other: this one is solar-powered, that one is kinetic, this one is waterproof, that one has bluetooth. And the more circles and numbers on a man’s watch, the manlier it is.

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(Photo from Macy’s)

I mean, seriously. What the shit is that?

2. Cufflinks

My dad wore cufflinks. Other than that, I don’t think I know a single man who wears them. Possibly this is because I don’t know enough lawyers. But it seems like an odd thing to spend money on when no one will notice it unless you point them out or reach across their face for something.

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 (Photo from

These “Bullet-back Bull and Bear Cuff Links” are my favorite, if only because that bear appears to be struggling with a missile that has been fired into its ass.

3. Beer

My husband gets sent a selection of beers every month from a beer club that my sister and her husband enrolled him in for Christmas last year. This show you not only how my husband feels about beer, but also how much trouble I’m in trying to top their gift. Google’s suggestion is to get him a variety of beer-related accessories, such as this beer foamer.

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(Photo from Norm Achitects)

If we were having beers with a guy and he said, “Hang on a second, let me go get my beer foamer,” I would hold that man by the neck while my husband kicked him in the penis.

4. Meat

Of course. Meat, men, and barbecuing. That’s an easy go-to gift. What I would not recommend is getting one of these personalized meat branding irons, because any man worth his salt is going to brand a penis onto your steak.

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 (Photo from BBQ

5. Sports

I’m the sports fan in our family, so this could not be less helpful to me. But if your husband is a football fan like I am, you need to run out and get him this copy of Madden 25 with Adrian Peterson on the cover. Consider it a conversation starter.

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(Photo from

6. Golf

Holy moly, you will never believe how much husbands love golf, says Google. And that’s just fine. I don’t get it, but that’s fine. And if you have a golfing husband who regularly humiliates his children, you must purchase him these golf ball locating glasses:

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 (Photo from Hammacher Schlemmer)

“Whoopsie! Looks like I hit that one into the rough! Guess I’ll just have to put on my handy dandy golf ball locating glasses.”

“Damn it, Dad! Will you take those off?”

“It’s the blue pigment that makes the balls stand out!”

7. T-Shirts About You

I did not expect this, but according to Etsy, dudes cannot wait to wear t-shirts telling the world how much they love you. There were shirts saying, “This dude loves his wife,” “This guy is a terrific husband,” “I love my wife,” and of course, this winner:

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(Photo from Etsy)

Here is how the conversation would go if I got my husband one of these shirts:

Unwraps gift. Looks confused. Holds shirt up. Reads it again. Looks at me.

Husband: “What the eff am I supposed to do with this.”

Me: “Wear it?”

Husband: “…No, seriously.”

8. Men’s Grooming Kits

There are a lot of stores out there trying to sell men skin care packs. What I love about this is that they work so hard to be as masculine as they possibly can so that men won’t feel insecure about buying them. Everything is in black and white, with block letters, and the words FOR MEN slapped on somewhere. But this one from Uncommon Goods is my favorite.

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(Photo from Uncommon Goods)

“Shit, I don’t know. Let’s put it in a military kit, give it a porn name, and throw a screwdriver in there. Done.”

9. A Quick Trip To Random Town

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(Photo from Olive and Cocoa)

This is a leather tire gauge, because your husband is quite the dandy.

10. When All Else Fails, Throw In An Element Of Danger

I was really excited about the idea of waterproof heated gloves until I saw this under “additional pictures”:

Screen Shot 2014-12-18 at 1.58.12 PM (Photo from Brookstone)

Holy crap, that looks terrifying. I’ll take two pairs. My husband will love them.