10 Things More Uncomfortable Than Giving Your Kids The Talk

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From what I’ve gathered from pop culture and being the child of parents, parents seem to live in constant fear of one day having to have The Talk. While some parents start out by talking to kids about sex, bodies, consent, and that whole gamut early on so that it’s not The Talk so much as Many Conversations, some parents seem to have this idea that upon turning a certain age, they’ll need to sit their child down for the worst thing that’s ever happened to either one of them. Even if it’s one of the most important things you can do for your child.

I’m not going to pretend that it won’t be awkward to talk about sex with your kid, although it would be significantly less so if you start early instead of one day hitting the on switch. It doesn’t have to be some terrible experience, but however you do it, just make sure you do, even if it makes your uncomfortable. If you’re feeling nervous about The Talk and need some perspective, let’s take a stroll through ten scenarios that would be infinitely worse than having The Talk, and give you a kick in the pants to get going.

1. Having fifteen pap smears in quick succession performed by seven rotating doctors (one gets lucky and does one extra), and one is Dr. Rick.

This might not be the most plausible scenario you could find yourself in, but hey, this is a vast universe full of limitless possibilities. Actually, I was recently reading up on science (watching TV), and I became fascinated by the concept of parallel universes. You see, there are more possibilities than we can possibly conceive of and the universe is bigger than we can possibly imagine, and therefore it’s not entirely impossible that somewhere, a version of you is having fifteen pap smears in quick succession while Dr. Rick flexes his muscles and drops the speculum, every single time. When you think about it that way, telling your kid what goes in what holes and to make sure everyone enthusiastically says yes first seems like a walk in the park.

2. Listening to acquaintances tell you in depth synopses of their dreams.

Look, unless you are one of my best friends (who always have really funny dreams) or you’re an attractive acquaintance who had a sexy dream that involved one of our friends/college professors/ex-boyfriends/girlfriends me, I literally could not care less what you dreamed about last night. And I promise, I really am a person who loves to hear people talk–one of like four things I’m good at is listening. But I just can’t muster up the energy to hear about how your mom was a talking horse at your old high school, but different. I would literally rather put a thousand flavored condoms on a thousand bananas.

3. Singing happy birthday at work.

It’s lunch time, and everyone is awkwardly corralled into the work kitchen where you sing “Happy Birthday” with the enthusiasm of a funeral dirge, desperately trying to find a place to direct your gaze that will prevent you from locking eyes with anyone else in the room. The person next to you is vigorously harmonizing, and you become terrified that your coworkers will think it’s you. You start to slide back towards the wall, hoping to disappear entirely. Then you’ll have to jockey for the piece with the least frosting and make small talk with Kevin from sales while you wait, and he keeps calling you “Bra.” If you can get out of this interpersonal death trap unscathed and go eat your cake alone at your desk in peace, you can almost certainly pull of saying “here are different types of birth control.”

4. Thinking someone is waving at you when in fact they are waving at the more attractive person behind you.

There’s no coming back from that. If you’re any kind of human, you’ll spend the rest of your day/week/life feeling completely dejected and awful, and embarrassed whenever you see your own sad reflection. Are you telling me you can do that, manage to get up the next day, and continue your life? You’re a fucking superstar, and answering your kid’s questions about swimsuit area stuff should be a snap.

5. When someone tries to talk to you while you’re in the bathroom.

Look, as far as uncomfortable conversations go, there is no subject matter than can be comfortably discussed while you’re in the bathroom. Be thankful that The Talk doesn’t have to happen while you’re trying to pee gracefully.

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