10 Reasons Cats Are Better Than Babies

Cats. People have them, the Internet loves worships them and if you aren’t careful, they just might give you a mutant zombie disease toxoplasmosis. Cats really are the bee’s knees, so I’m going to make a vastly unpopular statement; cats are better than babies.

I know what your going to say, “precious life, baby toes, newborn smell, etc. BLAH BLAH BLAH. It’s all hunky dory until you’re up at 3 am feeding a squealing infant (for the FIFTH time!), covered in spit up and excrement (and you no longer know if it’s yours or the baby’s). Now shit’s real and that little tabby cat you considered adopting before the stork came is starting to look pretty good, amirite? Of course I am. Below are 10 of the many, many reasons that cats rule and babies drool (literally and figuratively).

10. Two words – litter box. Because fuck diapers

Unless you go the EC route, your little shit factory is going to need a place to take a dump, so you’ll probably use some sort of diaper. And let me tell you, diapers SUCK. A cat, on the other hand, will shit in a box. A BOX! With very little training, you can have an adorable little fur baby who does 90 percent of the work for you. Booya!

9. I’ll take fur-covered furniture over spit up anyday

Sure, cat hair can be annoying, especially if you’re like me and you have a penchant for black clothing. But I’ll take cat hair over spit up, or other various baby-droppings any day of the week.

8. You can’t leave a baby home alone for the weekend…

…no matter how “gifted” you think they are.

7. Cats don’t need to breastfeed

Look, breastfeeding is a beautiful, natural act, and I’m all for it. But isn’t it kinda nice to be able to simply pop open a can of Fancy Feast or whatever, and be done with it? And Fancy Feast won’t leave you with sore nipples in the morning (unless you’re some kind of kinky freak). Cats freaking feed themselves! Babies are nothing more than naked, chunky larva that feeds off you until they can walk and talk.

6. Cats purr when they’re happy

Babies just cry and drool everywhere. Even when you’re wearing that expensive silk shirt you spent too money on. Hell, especially when you’re wearing that shirt, just for spite. Fuck you, baby.

5. Cats are honest, babies lie

A cat lets you know from the beginning that it thinks you’re an incompetent fool who is beneath it. A baby is all sweet and cuddly until puberty hits, then it’s all “I hate you!, I wish I was never born!”

4. Babies are freaking expensive!

Cats, on the other hand, are cheap as hell. Even with regular vet care (which should be a non-negotiable, duh) cats cost way, way less to maintain. And entertainment wise, cats win hands down. Get yourself a laser pointer and about a million boxes of various sizes, and you’re golden.

3. Cats can be locked in a cage

This is mostly frowned on for babies in civilized society.*

2. Cats, like most reasonable creatures, hate Disney Junior

Babies love that shit.

1. Babies don’t care about your schedule

To be fair, neither do cats, but then again, cats won’t interrupt your binge Orange Is The New Black session to be fed or bathed, now will they? Cats have important cat business to attend to.

*This shouldn’t need to be said, but I am not advocating locking either cats OR babies in cages. Your husband, on the other hand…*

(Photo: Timofeyev Alexander/Shutterstock)