being a mom

The Secret No New Mom Will Tell You: Babies Are Boring

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boringI don’t know many new moms that will utter the words “baby” and “boring” in the same sentence, so I’m here to dispel the myth. Babies, especially brand new ones, are mind-numbingly boring. Don’t try to church it up because a newborn baby that looks and acts like a sack of flour just isn’t that interesting.

It took until my second kid before I was ready and willing to admit this in public. I remember after having my first son that I was totally freaking elated, and then tired, and then really bored, in that order. I was (and still am) fortunate enough to work at home, so I would spend the morning working and the afternoon “bonding” with my new baby.

Translation: I would guiltily watch Dr. Phil over his shiny, bald head as I held him in my lap. If I was really bored and too lazy to get up, I would even rest my wine glass on his head because it made the perfect absorbent coaster.

There were many, many times that I tried to do interesting things with my baby to no avail. I took him for special walks in the park in the stroller and in the baby-front-carrier-thing. In summary, he got a good nap or screamed the entire time, and I got some exercise. It wasn’t a total lose-lose situation, but I wouldn’t call it particularly stimulating.

The thing that sucked about not acknowledging the boringness of my baby was that I felt all alone in new motherhood. I made the grave, grave mistake of comparing my reality to Facebook and Pinterest “reality.” All of the moms appeared to be jumping for joy and throwing leaves in the air in a montage right out of Full House. My boring baby just happened to be slumped over in a corner sucking on an old spoon, and he wasn’t having any photo ops.

Finally, I sent an email to a good friend of mine that had also recently had a baby. We were both indulging in some friendly bitching and finally admitted to each other, “Hey! Is your baby boring too? It’s not just me?!?” Whew, what a relief that was. I wasn’t the only person with a chronically boring baby, and I wasn’t the only mom that found the whole gig kind of uninteresting, at least in the early days.

Now, I have to qualify all of this by saying that I don’t totally hate my baby. In fact, I happen to love both of my sons a lot. But the early baby years, my God, they really test you. Unless you’re stimulated by watching paint dry or watching grass grow, just know that new motherhood is ultra-boring, and the day-to-day monotony can get to you.

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