10 Troubling Questions People Are Asking Google About Their Babies

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Dr. Google is the first place a lot of parents, especially new ones, turn to for answers to such important questions as, “Why is my baby’s poop that color?” and “What foods can I safely feed my baby and which ones are going to make her choke/barf/die?” Taking a stroll down the memory lane of Google’s autocomplete feature to see what other people have been asking the search engine about their kids can make for an interesting investigation – and a weird one, too. What are some of the strangest things people have asked the all-knowing, all-seeing Google for answers about their offspring?

1. One of these things is not like the others. ask google toddler drowns

I have probably Googled “what happens when my child eats X” more than once, where X stands for dog poop/dirt/grass. What happens when a toddler drowns is on another planet entirely, and one whose purview even Dr. Google probably can’t help with.

2. If the question starts with, “do babies know …”, the answer is probably “no”.

ask google right and wrongNo, your three-month-old does not know that puking in your mouth is an unkind thing to do, and Dr. Google is not going to justify your grounding him. Also, I strongly suggest using an actual pregnancy test (or, if you’re like me, four of them) in place of baby pregnancy-radar.

3. The whole thing?

ask google

My kids have eaten some weird and unfortunate stuff, but so far eating an entire candle has been relegated to the purview of the family dog.

4. Even if they do, do you want to know?

ask google poop in the wombParents already spend more years of our lives than we want fixated on our kids’ poop. Don’t start down that rabbit hole before you absolutely have to.

5. Top rack only, please.

ask google dishwasherIf you have to ask Google about this, parenting (and appliance ownership) may not be for you.

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