10 Troubling Questions People Are Asking Google About Their Babies
Dr. Google is the first place a lot of parents, especially new ones, turn to for answers to such important questions as, “Why is my baby’s poop that color?” and “What foods can I safely feed my baby and which ones are going to make her choke/barf/die?” Taking a stroll down the memory lane of Google’s autocomplete feature to see what other people have been asking the search engine about their kids can make for an interesting investigation – and a weird one, too. What are some of the strangest things people have asked the all-knowing, all-seeing Google for answers about their offspring?
1. One of these things is not like the others. 
I have probably Googled “what happens when my child eats X” more than once, where X stands for dog poop/dirt/grass. What happens when a toddler drowns is on another planet entirely, and one whose purview even Dr. Google probably can’t help with.
2. If the question starts with, “do babies know …”, the answer is probably “no”.
No, your three-month-old does not know that puking in your mouth is an unkind thing to do, and Dr. Google is not going to justify your grounding him. Also, I strongly suggest using an actual pregnancy test (or, if you’re like me, four of them) in place of baby pregnancy-radar.
3. The whole thing?
My kids have eaten some weird and unfortunate stuff, but so far eating an entire candle has been relegated to the purview of the family dog.
4. Even if they do, do you want to know?
Parents already spend more years of our lives than we want fixated on our kids’ poop. Don’t start down that rabbit hole before you absolutely have to.
5. Top rack only, please.
If you have to ask Google about this, parenting (and appliance ownership) may not be for you.
6. That escalated quickly.
On the plus side, this series of queries is probably the best way to make bed-sharing look extremely safe.
7. I’m all for 4K, but this is ridiculous.
Somebody didn’t get the memo about the Your Baby Can Read! curriculum.
8. My mom always said I had a hollow leg, so that could be a contender.
I take what I said about the previous entry back. Let’s start sending babies to school so that they have more educational time to fit in a few health and/or biology classes.
9. Add some anatomy classes to that, too.
If your baby is missing her neck, please consult a non-search-engine medical authority immediately to make sure she isn’t suffering from a severe case of Accordion Spine.
10. Allowed? Probably. Advised? No.
My kids went crazy if I tried to run the vacuum in front of them, so I bet an hour-long concert would go over a treat. Also, if I turn up a Google query about babies and mosh pits before I’m done here, I’m going to be upset.
Bonus: a really good question to cleanse the palate.
One of my twins was a good 20% bigger at birth and I still couldn’t tell my own oh-so-white babies apart for the first few weeks of their lives. At least I’m not alone.
(Photo: Andresr/Shutterstock)
