There’s Nothing In The Mom Contract That Requires You To Wear A Swimsuit
I have seen a great many blog posts over the years about moms feeling bad that they do not want to be seen in a swimsuit in public. They guilt themselves because they want their kids to have memories of swimming with mommy. It usually ends with some warm and fuzzy anecdote about ditching the cover-up and braving the beach, tummy rolls and all, so that the kid is happy and the mom guilt can vanish. I don’t find this inspiring and I can honestly say that I don’t get it. If I felt self-conscious about my body, I would not feel any need to wear a swimsuit in public solely for my kids’ happiness. Kids won’t have any idea that you have body hang-ups unless you say so. Why torture yourself and feel exposed and nervous for their benefit? Do what makes you feel comfortable and don’t worry about them. We don’t have to overcome everything for our kids’ sake.
A mom wrote in to Dear Prudence worrying about her kids developing body image issues because she won’t swim with them:
Q. Wear a Bathing Suit for the Kids’ Sake?: I have little kids who enjoy swimming at the local Y in our small town. My husband swims with them, but I don’t because I don’t like being in a swimsuit in front of my friends and co-workers. I am quite young but I have hirsutism, a C-section pouch, and am severely overweight. I am otherwise not socially retiring, and I’m happy to work out in the gym in a T-shirt and sweatpants, but I never wear tight or revealing clothes. I am not able to afford cosmetic treatments that would alter my appearance. My husband says I should get over it and come swim with my kids so they don’t develop the same body image issues themselves that I have. I haven’t told my kids the reasons for my discomfort, only that there are fun things they do with Dad and other things they do with Mom (which is true for other activities too). What do you think? Do I owe this to my kids, given how much pain and professional embarrassment it would cause me?
I have a lot to say on this subject but first of all, would we ever expect our kids to embarrass themselves for our benefit? For example, I would find it thrilling to see my daughter sing on a stage someday like I did growing up but if it made her tremendously nervous, would I force her to do it to make me happy? Absolutely not. Why are a mom’s feelings and concerns worth any less than that of her kids? We are still human beings too.
Secondly, unless you make a big deal about saying so, your kids won’t have any idea that you avoid wearing a bathing suit because you feel unattractive in it. I don’t do a ton of swimming with my kids and that is because my husband happens to love it and I can take it or leave it. If he takes them into the water, it gives me time to sit on the beach and read. Everyone’s happy. They do ask me to swim sometimes and I occasionally oblige, but they don’t seem to think anything of it when I bow out. Like the mom writing to Prudence, I too do activities with my kids that their father does not ever participate in. I see nothing wrong with this.
Prudence agreed with me and told this mom that she does not need to make herself feel uncomfortable for anyone’s sake:
Rock the T-shirt and sweats, Mom. You are not a swimming fan and you are particularly not a swimsuit fan””is anyone except the people who appear in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue or the people who buy the swimsuit issue? Is your husband hassling you because he doesn’t want to do pool duty? Too bad. I agree that even if you looked like SI model Gigi Hadid, you’d have a right to say, ”I don’t do swim time. That’s for you, dear.”
Right on. Why should this woman put herself in a position of feeling incredibly awkward for the sake of anyone else, even her kids? Whether she wants to reveal her body is her business alone. Unless she makes a big show of saying she feels self-conscious and the reasons why, her kids won’t know. There are so many other ways we can make memories with our kids that involve being fully-clothed. No mom (or dad) should ever feel they have to parade around the community pool in a bathing suit in order to be a good parent. Our self-confidence is worth just as much as our children’s happiness.
(Image: Anna Bogush/Shutterstock)