I’m Trying To Find My Son Naked Ladies Who Aren’t Pornified

I think pornography is only for adults. As a feminist, I have huge issues with porn and its depictions of women. I don’t want to buy my kid pornography. However, one of my boy children is very interested in naked ladies. Very interested. I know this because he keeps asking me questions about naked ladies.

I need to get my kid some dirty magazines. Can you guys help me? Do you all have any dirty magazines lying around I can borrow? Anyone with any old back issues of Playboy you want to sell me?  I suppose if we didn’t have the computers locked down tight and net-nanny’d up the interweb heavens he could probably look for naked ladies himself online, but then I’d be terrified he would come across animal porn. Or hardcore torture porn. Or porn involving really horrifying acts that aren’t consensual or healthy. Or the worst of the worst, child pornography. I want my kid to be able to explore sexuality and naked people and the human body without being exposed to clothespins on anyone’s genitalia. What’s a girl gotta do to get some racy PG-13 or soft “R” rated pornography up in here?

I’m doing my best not to raise rapists. I want to raise my kids to be happy and healthy sexually and to not doing anything to hurt themselves or others and to not get pregnant until they are ready. We have open, frank, educational talks with all of our kids regarding sex and reproduction in accordance with what we feel is appropriate for their age range. We leave books written for adolescents on puberty and sexual health all around the house. We encourage them to ask questions and to feel like they can come to us at any time with any sex issues they wish to discuss. If I had my way, I would keep my kids young and sexless and uninterested in anything other than robots and Hello Kitty until they were old and married and ready to birth babies, but we all know that’s impossible. So until then, I have a kid who cares a lot about the naked ladies. The question is, how can I expose my kid to naked ladies without showing my kid pornography?

My husband and I have discussed the best ways we can let him see naked people. Good old Cinemax (Or “Skinamax”, am-i-rite?)  shows “soft core” movies in the evening but after viewing part of one of these, it’s not exactly the type of naked people movie I want my kid seeing. Dumb story lines, cheesy music, and worst of all, professional actors that don’t really depict the type of naked ladies he will probably encounter in his life. I know he won’t be watching porno for the story lines and award-winning musical scores, but at the very least can’t I get some porn up in here that has more diversity in regard to body type, race, cosmetic application and footwear choices? And even more important than that, even though these soft-core movies don’t show actual penetration or super explicit sex, I want the porno he encounters at this age to be static. I don’t feel he is at the age where he even needs to see people interacting with each other.  He understands the logistics of sex, and how babies are born. And I don’t feel super comfortable with him viewing sexual acts at this age. No moving people pornography until he is older! Someone needs to make a movie with just naked people kissing in it. Or doing dishes. Or playing Yahtzee.

A lot of us were first exposed to naked people by discovering our parent’s issues of Playboy magazine. I can remember seeing a Playboy when I was around my son’s age. And back in the day (back in the way back) Playboy had images of naked ladies with un-surgically enhanced breasts and pubic hair. These women were often smiling. I haven’t seen an issue of Playboy in ages, but I do know the smiles have been replaced with glassy-eyed, thousand-yard-stares and glossy mouths half open and lady gardens that are usually waxed and groomed until they resemble what he could easily see by undressing one of my daughter’s Barbie dolls. What happened to smiling naked ladies? Don’t we want to teach our kids that good sex should be happy and something to smile about? When he is (much) older, I want my kid to have the sort of sex where he and his partner smile and laugh. I want to think some of the sex he will have in his life will be joyous.

I want him to see naked ladies that he may one day see in real life. Some naked ladies weigh more than what most porno shows. Some naked ladies have lopsided breasts, and pubic hair, and are not blond, and maybe have stretch marks, or moles, or maybe don’t wear a ton of makeup, or maybe have flat chests, or maybe don’t wear five-inch glitter heels , or may not be the same race as my son, or maybe they just don’t look like the women shown in a lot of porno. And sometimes the men have small penises and body hair and don’t work out for three hours a day. I know part of the allure of pornography is fantasy, and depicting impossibly attractive people doing impossible things with their impossibly perfect bodies, but at this age I just want him to see some normal naked people.

We have a lot of art books in my house. Some of these art books have pictures of naked ladies in them. Sure, I could give him one of our super rare out-of-print Helmut Newton books to get his sticky fingers all over while he looks at pictures of naked ladies. But even though the photographs are beautiful and shot amazingly well and art directed in incredible ways, it’s still not the sort of naked ladies he needs to be exposed to. They are all perfect. They are models. It’s not even just simple naked ladies or pornography, it’s art. He can look at those books when he is older. If he wears gloves while doing so.

I think I just need to find some books to purchase with naked people in them. Not porno, not art, not National Geographic collections of tribeswomen multitasking by lugging around a baby and a bucket of water on their heads. Books that show naked ladies in all of their beautiful, un-airbrushed, natural, fat, skinny, medium, waxed, not waxed, young, old,  each and every race, smiling forms. Hopefully this will satisfy his curiosity until he is able to figure out how to remove the parental controls off the family computers.

(photo: Playboy)

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