being a mom

I’m Trying To Find My Son Naked Ladies Who Aren’t Pornified

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I think pornography is only for adults. As a feminist, I have huge issues with porn and its depictions of women. I don’t want to buy my kid pornography. However, one of my boy children is very interested in naked ladies. Very interested. I know this because he keeps asking me questions about naked ladies.

I need to get my kid some dirty magazines. Can you guys help me? Do you all have any dirty magazines lying around I can borrow? Anyone with any old back issues of Playboy you want to sell me?  I suppose if we didn’t have the computers locked down tight and net-nanny’d up the interweb heavens he could probably look for naked ladies himself online, but then I’d be terrified he would come across animal porn. Or hardcore torture porn. Or porn involving really horrifying acts that aren’t consensual or healthy. Or the worst of the worst, child pornography. I want my kid to be able to explore sexuality and naked people and the human body without being exposed to clothespins on anyone’s genitalia. What’s a girl gotta do to get some racy PG-13 or soft “R” rated pornography up in here?

I’m doing my best not to raise rapists. I want to raise my kids to be happy and healthy sexually and to not doing anything to hurt themselves or others and to not get pregnant until they are ready. We have open, frank, educational talks with all of our kids regarding sex and reproduction in accordance with what we feel is appropriate for their age range. We leave books written for adolescents on puberty and sexual health all around the house. We encourage them to ask questions and to feel like they can come to us at any time with any sex issues they wish to discuss. If I had my way, I would keep my kids young and sexless and uninterested in anything other than robots and Hello Kitty until they were old and married and ready to birth babies, but we all know that’s impossible. So until then, I have a kid who cares a lot about the naked ladies. The question is, how can I expose my kid to naked ladies without showing my kid pornography?

My husband and I have discussed the best ways we can let him see naked people. Good old Cinemax (Or “Skinamax”, am-i-rite?)  shows “soft core” movies in the evening but after viewing part of one of these, it’s not exactly the type of naked people movie I want my kid seeing. Dumb story lines, cheesy music, and worst of all, professional actors that don’t really depict the type of naked ladies he will probably encounter in his life. I know he won’t be watching porno for the story lines and award-winning musical scores, but at the very least can’t I get some porn up in here that has more diversity in regard to body type, race, cosmetic application and footwear choices? And even more important than that, even though these soft-core movies don’t show actual penetration or super explicit sex, I want the porno he encounters at this age to be static. I don’t feel he is at the age where he even needs to see people interacting with each other.  He understands the logistics of sex, and how babies are born. And I don’t feel super comfortable with him viewing sexual acts at this age. No moving people pornography until he is older! Someone needs to make a movie with just naked people kissing in it. Or doing dishes. Or playing Yahtzee.

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