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8 Lies My Kids Told Me Recently

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Kids are terrible liars. I mean, just awful. It’s like when you play hide and seek with a child and they hide by curling up into a ball in the middle of the room. It’s just sad. I know that one day soon I’ll miss the days when their lies were obvious, but for now let me share some of their pathetic attempts at trickery.

1. I did brush my teeth.


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Only if you used toothpaste made from dog shit, kid. Get back there and brush your teeth.

2. I am wearing shoes.


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You know I can see you, right? I’m looking at your bare feet right this moment. You see how my eyes are pointed at your feet and how there aren’t any shoes on them?

3. Dad said we could have ice cream before dinner.


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Huh. Is that your new dad? Because your old dad, the one I knew, would never have said that. But if new dad said it’s okay, then I guess it’s okay!  Derp dee derp dee derp.

4. I was just about to do that.


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Man, I really need to stop reminding you to do things; every single time I do, it’s just before you were about to do it all by yourself. What an amazing coincidence of utter and complete bullshit.

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