Pregnancy
If Birthing Classes Were Honest
Week 1: Understanding The Body You No Longer Recognize
Topics include:
-Don’t Effing Touch Me:Â Dealing with people who touch your belly without asking.
-Do That Again And I’ll Fart On You: How to handle partners who want to touch your rack all the time.
-Why Is There Jello In My Underwear?: All the gross ways your body will rebel on you during pregnancy.
Week 2: Diet & Exercise Tips You Won’t Actually Follow
Activities include:
-Watching a corny video about fruits and vegetables.
-Awkward circle time where you lie about what you had for lunch.
-Going over a handout of a ton of shit you’re not supposed to eat but will probably have sometimes anyway.
–Stopping for a burger on the way home.
Week 3: Preparing For A Drug Free Labor
Topics include:
–Hypnobirthing, birthing in the wild, orgasmic births and other hipster created names for what was once simply called “push like you’re trying to poop.”
-Round Table Discussion: Tub births- does being wet really distract you from your contractions?
Activities:
A sampling of hot sauces from around the world to determine your pain threshold.
Week 4: Epidurals, The Nectar Of The Gods
Topics include:
-How to make friends with the anesthesiologist.
-You Don’t Really Want To Leave Your Partner: Understanding the Florence Nightingale effect.
Activities:
– Timed practice sessions for sitting very, very still.
– How to tip the anesthesiologist in case there’s a long wait list. *birthing partners please bring cash to practice.