100 Things Pregnant Women Should Never, Ever, Ever Eat

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things pregnant women should never eat 1: Raw meat.

2: Raw eggs.

3: Raw cookie dough.

4: Raw cookie dough even if it contains three different kinds of chocolate chip varieties.

5: Raw oysters.

6: Sharks.

7: Dryer lint.

8: A grilled cheese sandwich that they were looking very forward to eating but they had to pee in the middle of making it so they left it on the stove on high and it got badly burnt and all the cheese ran out the sides of the sandwich and the bread turned black.

9: Shoelaces.

10: Gas station sushi.

11: Poison.

12: Live raccoons.

13: Stuff that contains listeria.

14: Tacks.

15: Homemade eggnog.

16: Razor blades.

17: Food with mud on it.

18: Brie.

19: Leftover Brie from a cocktail party.

20: Dirty diapers.

21:Crack cocaine.

22: Food they don’t like.

23: Raw eggs they collected from a chicken that wandered into their yard.

24: Tide laundry detergent pods.

25: Poisonous spiders.

26: MDMA.

26: Lightbulbs.

27: Kittens.

28: Anything out of the recycling bin.

29: Matches.

30: Basketballs.

31: The food in the back of the refrigerator from two weeks ago that was in the tupperware container.

32: Legos.

33: The sad candy.

34: Coffee grounds.

35: Magnets.

36: The pizza that the pizza place got wrong. Just call them and make them fix it.

37: Father-in-Law ejaculate.

38: Ants.

39: Lye.

40: Flaming shots.

41: Over 12 ounces of salmon in one sitting.

42: Makeup.

43: Hand puppets.

44: Potato salad that has been sitting in the hot August sun for five hours.

45: Homemade moonshine.

46: Gasoline.

47: Food with mold on it.

48: Generic corn from a can they are too tired to heat up.

49: Puppies.

50: Grass or weeds.

51: The last swill from yesterday’s smoothie left in the car cup holder overnight.

52: One of those hermit crabs with a Disney’s Cars movie painted on the side of it to make it look like a Cars character.

53: Someone’s hair.

54: The wrapper from a Big Mac.

55: Cotton balls soaked in orange juice.

56: Kleenex followed by a drink of orange juice.

57: Vomit.

58: Their co-workers yogurt that has a post-it note on it that reads “Please don’t eat my yogurt.”

59: Meth.

60: A live sheep.

61: An elephant.

62: Broken glass.

63: Cereals of two vastly different varieties mixed together. (ex. stale Raisin Bran and a handful of Crunchberries)

64: Scorpions. (Not the band)

65: The last of the ice cream without telling someone in the house to purchase more ice cream.

66: Banjos.

67: Six Jello shots.

68: Calgon bath salts.

69: The drugs known as bath salts that make you eat people’s faces.

70: People’s faces.

71: The leftovers in the refrigerator contained in a tinfoil swan that your partner told you they were really, really looking forward to eating. Get permission first.

72: Raw cake batter, even the kind with funfetti.

73: A recipe you made off of Pinterest that smells like barf.

74: Nails and screws.

75: Brillo scouring pads.

76: Five tubes of toothpaste.

77: Cat hair.

78: Microwave rice because no one will take them to get some motherfucking french toast.

79: Live alligators.

80: Fritos without onion dip.

81: Things women diagnosed with Pica eat that their doctors are working with them not to eat.

82: Flowers bulbs.

83: Heroin.

84: Q-tips.

85: Lox and bagels and listeria.

86: Milk from a cow that isn’t pasteurized.

87: Gum they find under subway seats.

88: An order of nachos they were badly craving that was made with refried beans when they specifically told their server not to include the refried beans.

89: Rotten food.

90: 20 shots of espresso a day.

91: Paint thinner.

92: Mice.

93: Anything someone hands them and says “Taste this. It’s really bad.”

94: Something that looks creepy.

95: Lunch meat past the expiration date.

96: Fine art.

97: A sandwich that fell into the cat litter box.

98: Tampons.

99: Snowglobes.

100: Their other children.

(Image: taramara78/shutterstock)