Whoever Did This ‘Fifty Shades Of Reality’ Meme Is My New Hero

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fifty shades of realityYou may have seen this on your Facebook page posted from someone, but no one knows who created it. But whoever did, I’m sure they’re a parent.

I read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. Not because I needed some “mommy porn” (How I loathe that term) in my life, but because it is popular. As a writer who writes about pop culture, I feel the need, that if something is very popular, to explore it for myself, to see what the big deal is. Which is also my excuse as to why I have watched an episode or two of the Real Housewives franchise, purchased a Divacup from Amazon (And yes! They are great!) and have eaten a bloomin’ onion. All for research. Sometimes you just need to see what the the whoop is.

And yeah, Fifty Shades wasn’t very good. If you want good “mommy porn,” (There’s that dumb term again) I will suggest The Bride Stripped Bare by Nikki Gemmel or the latest copy of the Williams Sonoma catalogue because nothing gets me hotter than Staub oval cocottes. Sure, maybe there are some of you mommies (and daddies) out there terribly excited about whips and chains and being forced to eat “healthy food” by some strange millionaire, but for the majority of us, that is not what we want. We want help with housework. We want you to pick up your damn socks. We want you to sit next to us while we watch stupid television and ask us if we’d like a drink from the kitchen and on occasion, bring home a takeaway so we don’t have to cook. We want you to help with homework and walking the dog and at least once a year we want to go to a place where we don’t have to make a bed or empty the dishwasher or watch another rerun of Dora the Explorer. We really, really like being able to sleep in sometimes.

According to a new survey by Parenting magazine, 72% of parents wish they were having more sex. We are happy to have sex with you! As long as you aren’t sending dirty texts to other people or tweeting photos of your junk or eating the last of the Ben and Jerry’s and leaving a carton with two spoonfuls in it, we want to have sex with you. And most of us don’t need a lot of “equipment” or “games” to get us in the mood. It doesn’t matter if we are male and female, a same-sex couple, old or young. In every parenting partnership, one of the parents feels like the brunt of the childcare rests on them. Even when things are pretty equal, someone somewhere is the one putting the new roll of toilet paper on the holder.

You help with homework, we’ll take a bath, you set the kids up with a 1,000 piece puzzle, we’ll get in bed. And after we can look at porn.*

*The new Williams Sonoma catalogue