Parents Rob Business With Toddler In Tow, Learn Toddlers Make Terrible Accomplices

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Committing a crime with a kidA couple in Waupaca, Wisconsin learned a valuable lesson early Tuesday morning about bringing a toddler with them when they go to rob a business. That lesson is: toddlers are the worst accomplices.

A 22-year-old man and a 23-year-old woman were arrested at 3am on Tuesday while burglarizing Siegel Enterprises. Police discovered the couple’s car parked behind a neighboring business with their two-year-old son crying inside. That is heart-breaking. That is also incredibly stupid. Everybody knows that toddlers are horrible at committing crimes. Let’s take a look at all the things these two should have known beforehand:

First and most obviously, you cannot leave a two-year-old in the car. This is an awful choice for a getaway driver. That kid is not going to be able to lose the cops in a high-speed chase.

Second, toddlers don’t have a good enough understanding of numbers to be involved in  robberies. What if you were robbing a bank and the child gave the teller a note demanding eleventy billion dollars? Think of all the back and forth you would have to do in order for the bank to understand your demands.

Third, if you are going to a business to steal computers, you for sure don’t want a toddler around that stuff. I guarantee you those screens are going to get cracked within five minutes.

Fourth, there is no way you are going to get a ski mask on a toddler. I can’t even get my kids to put on a sunhat in the summer, let alone a ski mask at 3am.

Fifth, toddlers are terrible liars. They wouldn’t last a minute in an interrogation room.

Cop: Tell us what happened.

Toddler: Mama and Dada get new money…from fwends.

Cop: We’ll give you this donut if you tell us the truth.

Toddler: Dey robbers. Sprinkles!

Sixth, the business in this story, Siegel Enterprises, is involved in real estate. Do you know how boring real estate is to a two-year-old? Take that kid to Target and leave him in the toy aisle while you do your stealing. You’ll have all the time in the world.

Finally, you know the second you get inside your toddler is going to need a snack and to go potty. All it takes is an unflushed toilet and a table covered in Goldfish crumbs to lead the cops right to your door.

(Photo: Ljupco Smokovski / Shutterstock)