Holidays

Daddy Blogger Tries To Defend Elf On The Shelf, Only Succeeds In Annoying Me

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elf meme

I think we are all sick and tired of talking about the Elf on the Shelf so I apologize for bringing this conversation back to life but I couldn’t help it. There is a blogger on Huffington Post who defends Elf on the Shelf and I simply must respond. I don’t like it when other parents assume I make my decisions for one reason when it’s actually not the case. I dislike it even more when they condescend and pat themselves on the back for their incredible (and wrong) revelations. So, let’s talk this apart bit by bit, shall we? Let’s shall.

We start with the title- “Elf on the Shelf Is A Thing In My House, Deal With It”. Alrighty, then.

There are a lot of people these days hating on Elf on the Shelf. For every picture I’ve seen of an elf clinging desperately to the top of a Christmas tree, it seems I’m finding an accompanying piece titled, “Sorry, Elf of the Shelf, but you won’t be in my house.” I’m assuming this is because people don’t have the time, don’t want to lie to their kids or don’t want to bribe their kids into good behavior, because that isn’t sustainable or because every time their kids sees the elf, they scream the roof off of the house.

It’s amazing to me the number of adults who seem incapable of even being able to deal with a cloth and plastic doll who gets thrown from one corner of the house to another. Who gets thrown from corner to corner for one purpose: TO MAKE KIDS SMILE.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN! But seriously, these are all very valid reasons for not wanting to take part in this ridiculous made-up “tradition” of barely nine years that is now becoming so ubiquitous that kids without an Elf feel left out. And incapable? I am more than capable- I simply do not want to do it. Am I capable of making my kids cookies everyday? Certainly. But it’s not happening.

And sir, there are a great many things that make my kids smile: fart noises, a funny-shaped turd, someone shooting snot out on to the sidewalk and Family Guy (don’t ask). By no means does that translate to “I MUST DO THIS BECAUSE THEY ARE SMILING!!!” If we use our kids as a barometer of what is appropriate and acceptable to us, then I am afraid for the world.

He continues on stating the various reasons and “debunking” them.

I can’t be busy-splained any longer.

If you’re a parent, you’re busy. I guess the more kids you have, the busier you are. I may still be too new at parenting to know for sure, but I do not think there’s a prize awarded at the end of every year to the parents who most successfully convinces people they have -14 hours in every day.

I get it if you don’t have one minute at night to throw your Elf on the Shelf onto a Christmas tree or to hang him from a ceiling. A lot of people don’t have six minutes. What’s crazy is that parents who write pieces based on not having time for Elf on the Shelf think kids give any more than 0.01 shits about where the elf ends up the next day. If they give that many shits, it’s because you’ve set the wrong expectations.

I think a parent saying they are “too busy” for something is often code for “I actually don’t give a shit” and maybe those parents just don’t want to tell your Elf-loving self that they think it’s so totally ridiculous they wouldn’t waste even one moment of their precious kid-free time on it.

And of course, as an Elf-hater, I am fully aware that I don’t need to create an ice skating rink in a salad bowl and a marshmallow world for him to roam in but if I don’t, why bother? Couldn’t I then pick any stuffed toy from my kids collection (you know, one that doesn’t cost me a tank of gas for my car) and throw it from shelf to shelf? Isn’t his “magic” kind of the point? Not to mention, kids do go to school and discuss this stuff. My daughter notices every detail. She would certainly come home and want to know why her friend’s Elf was up all night scattering glitter and sugar plums all over the counter while hers just shuffled from the dining room shelf to the hallway closet with no fanfare. I don’t need any other reasons to feel like a half-ass mom, I do just fine on my own, thanks.

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