Are you a mom who struggles with Seasonal Affective Disorder? Did you lose a loved one around this time of year? Do you just not find it possible to pop a boner over untangling strands of Christmas garlands or baking the eight trillion cookies it will take to satiate the little monsters at the school holiday party? Too bad. Kirk Cameron is here to tell you to sack up, ladies, and plaster paper snowflakes to your windows with the same zeal you plaster a smile to your face. If you don’t, well, congratulations on ruining Christmas for your children. You monster.
On Tuesday, Cameron‘s Facebook page featured the following video message, posted under the headline, “Calling All Moms!”, as an ever so subtle plug for his forthcoming movie, Saving Christmas, which based on the previews is a surefire dark horse contender for Best Picture at the Oscars next year. The transcript is below, for the hearing-impaired and the nauseated-at-Cameron’s-smarmy-voice:
If you are a mom, if you are a wife, if you’re the keeper of your home, I want you to know that your joy is so important this Christmas. Because Christmas is about joy and if the joy of the Lord is your strength, remember, the joy of the mom is her children’s strength. So don’t let anything steal your joy. If you let your joy get stolen, it will sap your strength. Let your children, your family, see your joy in the way that you decorate your home this Christmas, in the food that you cook, the songs you sing, the stories you tell, and the traditions that you keep. Invite your whole neighborhood into your Christmas, and invite the world into our story of our king and his kingdom. Join me and go see Saving Christmas November 14.
Hear that, moms? God and/or Kirk Cameron want you to let your children see your joy in decorating, cooking, and singing (because who else is going to help with all that crap? Santa? Get real, gals). And actually, while you’re at it, better make enough eggnog and cookies not just for your kids, but for the whole freaking neighborhood. And for the literal love of God, don’t let that smile slip a millimeter. Oh, and by the way, as long as you’re in the kitchen making enough cookies to feed an army, maybe you could make the Lord a sandwich while you’re at it? Cameron’s caption on the video read, “I made this video for you, to remind you of how irreplaceable you are to your family this Christmas.” Really? Because it sounds like his version of a mom could be replaced by hiring a servant for a few hours to pretend to be happy about dusting the mantel, sewing a costume for the Christmas pageant at church, and roasting some godforsaken chestnuts over an open fire.
My favorite part of this is the very end, where Cameron reminds us all that if Cinderella finishes her chores on time, she gets to go to the ball, by which I mean she gets to shell out ten bucks for the joy of watching Cameron flop around the screen like a dying fish in a button-up shirt and sweater vest. Is ten bucks what movies cost these days? I don’t know, I haven’t been to one in ages: I can’t seem to muster up any enthusiasm about the prospect of making Christmas cookies or setting up the tree and ornaments, so my wicked stepmother has locked me in the cellar until I can sing “Joy to the World” convincingly enough.