10 Ways To Get Your Mom Self Invited To Childfree Parties

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vintage partyI’m an expert at getting invited to parties. I’m pretty sure it comes from 20 years spent bartending. People clearly believe that anyone that could endure that lifestyle for two decades must have a serious sense of humor – or at least know how to tell a few good stories.

When I still lived in New York, my social circle pretty much only included those who never wanted or intended to have children. I was constantly and consistently invited to their parties – even after I had kids – so I’d like to give you some tips on how to get invited to childfree parties, too.

These could be tips for anyone, really. The big reminder when you have children is this: it’s healthy to have some time totally away from your kids. A childfree party could be just that. When you’re a parent, there is plenty of time and opportunity to be surrounded by people who want to talk about your kids, their kids and kid stuff. Recognize the unique, refreshing experience of being around a bunch of people who don’t – and seize it by being a good party guest.

1. When someone asks about your kids, give a quick answer then change the subject.

No one really wants to talk about your kids. Kids are boring. The different stages of your child’s development are not captivating party conversation. Even I find little anecdotes about children boring – and I have two of them. You know what makes a good story; only tell one with your kid in it if it qualifies.

2. Don’t be inadvertently judgey.


(photo: tumblr)

Example #1: I used to be able to drink that much – before I had kids.

Example #2: God, I wish I could hang out forever like you, but I have children to take care of.

3. Don’t be offended when people make “mom” or “husband” jokes.

Without fail, there will be people at parties who feel the need to mention that you’re a mom:

Example #1: So, you’re husband let you out of the house tonight?

Example #2: Don’t you have some kids to tuck in?

Ha. Ha. Try not to become easily annoyed.

4. Make Maria Guido’s Bacon Twistiesâ„¢.

 I am going to explain step-by-step how to make these happen:

1. Cut the crust off a piece of Wonder Bread.

2. Cut a slice of cream cheese off one of those cream cheese blocks and place it across the center of the piece of Wonder Bread.

3. Slice some scallions and scatter them on top of the cream cheese.

4. Roll up the Wonder Bread around the cream cheese. Should now resemble a Wonder bread cigar stuffed with cream cheese.

5. Wrap raw bacon around the wonder bread cigar. Start at one end and wrap to the other end. Bacon should cover entire cigar.

6. Repeat steps one through five about two dozen times.

7. Bake at 375 degrees until bacon is cooked and slightly crispy at the ends.

If you bring these to a party, you can probably disregard all the other tips I’m giving you in this article.

5. Don’t assume your kids are welcome.

You may think that just because it’s an afternoon barbecue kids are a-ok, but unless your friend specifies, “bring the kids!” don’t assume anything.

6. Bring Maria Guido’s Mushroom Dipâ„¢

Why yes, I bribe my friends with food – I’m Greek and Italian. This is neither Greek, nor Italian – it’s just all sorts of yum and people flip out over it – probably because it easily contains more fat than most normal people consume in a week.

1. Sautee one pound of sliced white mushrooms and a half of a diced white onion in two sticks of butter.

2. Add a block of cream cheese.

3. Stir until creamy, adding salt and pepper to taste.

4. Pour into a large, hallowed out bread bowl.

5. Serve with slices of baguette.

You’re probably thinking, “why does she keep giving us these recipes that sound totally stupid and tacky?” Just trust me. The last party I brought this to, people were literally ripping apart the empty soggy bread bowl and eating it. It’s that good.

7. Don’t give away the recipes to these magic appetizers.

Duh. You and the appetizer must be one.

8. Be interested in the lives of others.

Don’t ever be the person that is so overwhelmed with their life that they forget people without children have things going on, too. Has it been awhile since you’ve called your childfree friends just to see how they are, to ask them some questions, to talk about their lives? Then you probably won’t top the list of invitees to their next soiree.

9. Throw your own parties.

Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t entertain anymore. All kids eventually go to sleep. Host a small game night or something when the kids go to bed.

10. Learn how to make one kick-ass cocktail.

You don’t have to be a bartender to know how to make one kick ass cocktail. Is it winter? Impress everyone by teaching them how to make a real old fashioned (one without all of that muddled fruit crap). Is it summer?  Bring some fresh mint and get your mojito on. Cocktails are fun. Next time you go to a party, bring cocktail fixings instead of just a bottle of wine*.

Old Fashioned

1 sugar cube

couple dashes of bitters

club soda

2 oz rye whisky

Place the sugar cube (or 1/2 teaspoon loose sugar) in an Old-Fashioned glass. Wet it down with 2 or 3 dashes of Angostura bitters and a short splash of water or club soda. Crush the sugar with a wooden muddler, chopstick, strong spoon, lipstick, cartridge case, whatever. Rotate the glass so that the sugar grains and bitters give it a lining. Add a large ice cube. Pour in the rye (or bourbon). Serve with a stirring rod.

*not all hosts like this. Make sure the friend who is throwing the party isn’t a total Martha-Stewart-like control freak.

(photo: bloomfield and george)