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10 Things I Refuse To Get My Kids Because I’m A Terrible Mom

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thingsiwontgetmykidsBelieve it or not, I have rules in my house. And these rules quite possibly make me the most not-fun parent ever. OK, maybe they aren’t rules per se, but I have laws! Yeah, laws! There are some laws of my house that I refuse to break no matter how much pleading, begging, or door slamming I am met with. There are just some things I won’t do. And one day my kids will grow up and have their own lives and can do all of these things, but until then, here are ten things I won’t be getting them while they are living under my roof.

Taco Bell 

I’m sorry, we do not “make a run for the border.” They had “wood cellulose” in their cheesy extra crunchy tacos shoved in a gordita and smothered in cheese and wrapped in a burrito and deep fried and covered in enchilada sauce and stuck in a Dorito taco shell. It has nothing to do with me being “against” fast food, I could pretty much live off of McDonald’s french fries, but Taco Bell is stoner food and considering my kid isn’t scoring me some primo kush I won’t be taking them to there.

Their Ears Pierced  

My daughter is the only kid who has requested this, and my answer is “not until you’re older.” Why? Because I have zero interest in taking care of holes in someone’s body who I still have to remind to brush their teeth after meals.

Play-Doh  

This is more my husband’s law than mine, but he has deemed our house a Play-Doh free zone, because I think someone held him down and force fed him Play-Doh as a kid or something. His reaction to this toy is visceral and violent. He claims it smells like vomit. To be totally honest with you, I may have or may not have purchased secret Play-Doh I have let my kids play with outside.

 Saint’s Row IV 

My entire weekend consisted of my husband and I arguing with my ten-year-old about why we wouldn’t let him buy this rated M for mature video game. Which sucks because I totally want it, for me. In addition to the sex and ultra-violence, it has some pretty hardcore misogynistic undertones and I just feel at his age he is way too young for it. He ended up getting the Disney Infinity game like the baby he is. Haha suck-ah! The only way I will get to play the latest Saints installment is if I lug the Xbox upstairs to my room and keep my door locked. Or I can wait until he is 17.

Anything That Lives In A Cage

Before you go getting all ragey at me, I KNOW ferrets and lizards and snakes and gerbils and chinchillas and all these cage dwellers are cute, but I firmly believe that when getting a pet that you should really want this pet. At present I want none of these pets. And I’m not going to leave their care to humans who barely remember to feed the dog and cat without being reminded.

Expensive Kicks 

I’m not even talking about two thousand dollar Air Yeezy‘s, but even three hundred dollar Nike Lebron‘s. If my kids want kicks that are that expensive, they can all get jobs and save up for them.

Cell Phones 

Lots of parents have totally valid reasons for their kids needing a cell phone. My kids do not need one. My eldest has one because I like to be able to call him when he is visiting his bio-dad and he needs it when he is doing after-school activities, but my other kids? Noooope.  Until they do something other than going to school and coming home from school they have no need for a phone. I hate nothing more than when I go out to eat and I see a family sharing a meal with their kids and all their stupid kids are texting away on their cell phones. I told my teen son if he ever pulled that shit around me I would stab his hand with a fork. And I meant it.

Jeans That Cost Over 20 Bucks 

For my eldest? Sure. Because he is now in grownass man sizes but for my little kids? Awww, hell no. I use discount codes and buy them jeans on sale. They are jeans. Small jeans. They do not need to cost over 20 bucks.

Toy Guns 

This has as much to do with the fact I’m not a fan of guns with the fact I once had to clean up a disastrous mess after my dog ate a Nerf foam bullet. Noooo thank you.

Kidz Bop Music 

KidzBop+will+do+it+for+you_7be9d8_3915575(Image: Tumblr)

Just seeing the TV commercials for this extremely popular phenomenon of kids recreating top billboard chart music is enough to make my ears bleed. This video is not Kidz Bop, but I have to share it with you because I’m basically a total asshole and it may be the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. You’re welcome. I’ll starting checking my Email for the hate mail now.
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(Image: Tumblr)