Hey Ladies, Forget About Equal Pay, We’re Getting Our Own Quiet Lady Snacks!
Well, congratulations, everyone. We’ve officially reached peak WTF. We came close several times over the last year or so, but yesterday, we hit the top. Pepsi has announced, for some unknown goddamn reason, that they have plans to develop snacks for women. Yes, you heard that right. Snacks, just for us dainty ladyfolk. The Doritos for ladies will be softer, less messy, and come in a bag that fits in your purse. Sweet baby Jesus in a manger, what the actual hell is wrong with people.
The topic of Doritos for ladies came up during on interview on Freakonomics Radio. Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi (A WOMAN) talked about the company’s decision to develop and market snacks just for women. The things she said … lord.
According to Nooyi, women care about special snack things. They don’t want a loud crunch (um what), they don’t want flavor dust on their hands (best part, gtfo), and they want discreet, dainty packaging they can fit in their purse. No, Indra, you’re thinking of tampons. We want discreet TAMPONS. Not chips.
During the interview, Nooyi said, “It’s not a male and female so much as ‘are there snacks for women that can be designed and packaged differently?And yes, we are looking at it, and weâ€™re getting ready to launch a bunch of them soon.
For women,Â low-crunch, the full taste profile, not have so much of the flavor stick on the fingers, and how can you put it in a purse?”
LOW CRUNCH. What the hell kind of focus group did they assemble to come up with this load of absolute bullshit? As a woman, have you EVER in your life thought to yourself, “Hmmmmm, I would like to gently snack on these Doritos, but mercy me, the crunch is so loud!” God forbid we just eat the goddamn chips as they were intended. Are our teeth weaker? Will the sharp edges cut the insides of our delicate lady mouths? And don’t get me started on the messy fingers. THE LAYERS OF FLAVOR THAT YOU GET TO LICK OFF AFTER YOU POLISHED OFF A BAG OF CHIPS IS THE BEST PART. I’ve already professed my love for the Hot Cheetos. So help me god, if they make them so they don’t dye my fingers red I will burn shit down.
Obviously, the heathen loud-crunching women of the world revolted upon hearing this news.
The only good thing about the new quiet â€œLady Doritosâ€ is now they canâ€™t hear us coming pic.twitter.com/irMRblNDP4
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) February 5, 2018
Thank god because my fragile, feminine, woman jaw just about breaks every time I have a normal dorito. By the time I finish a bag, Iâ€™ve already been to the hospital 17 times for a shattered lady mandible! It hurts my girlish dainty hands to type this out, but thank you Doritos! https://t.co/sJJ2HsCWYJ
— EM! (@uhhmmily) February 5, 2018
Lady Doritos isn't a bad idea. Sometimes I eat chips so loudly I start my period and it's distracting to the office :/
— sarah shower (@SJSchauer) February 6, 2018
This is how I imagine the meeting went when they came up with this remarkably stupid idea:
â€œOk, so what do women REALLY want?â€
Woman: â€œEqual pay?â€
â€œNope, what else.â€
Woman: â€œBody autonomy and control over our own medical decisions?â€
â€œHmmm, prolly not. What else you got?â€
Another woman: â€œTo not be sexually harassed everywhere we go?â€
â€œLOL no, thatâ€™s not a real thing.â€
::guy in the back raises hand::
â€œA chip that doesnâ€™t crunch as loudly as chips designed for strong menfolk?â€
â€œTHATâ€™S IT, brilliant, get me a storyboard!â€
We don’t want your stupid fucking “quiet” chips, Pepsi. You know what chips don’t make a crunch when you eat them? STALE ONES. GTFO of here with this sexist idiocy. Leave us alone, leave our snacks alone. So help me, I want to poke someone in the eye with my Hot Cheeto finger over this. After I finish the entire bag and lick the inside, of course. I am a goddamn lady, after all.
(Image: Facebook/Spicoli’s Morning Fiasco)