Unbearable: No, I Don’t Want Your ‘Tips’ On Conceiving

Having a child is usually a happy time in a woman’s life. Unfortunately, as we wait longer to have children, infertility and trouble conceiving can become a part of the family making process. Unbearable addresses these difficulties.

Alright friends, I try not to get nasty with those who don’t understand what infertility is like or how difficult it can be. I try to give these people the benefit of the doubt when they make insensitive or rude comments. I brush off awkward questions about when I’m going to have another baby or why I’m not pregnant yet. Honestly, I try to smile through all this. But there is one practice that I am going to call people on. I am completely done smiling and nodding while people try to give me tips on how to get pregnant.

After more than a year of trying and failing to have children, I’m pretty sure that I’ve researched all of the conception tips out there. I’m well aware of the most effective positions, times of day and diet regulations. I’ve read every old wive’s tale that the internet can cough up. I’ve had doctors poking around in my uterus and drawing my blood. I think if it was as simple as laying off the caffeine and avoiding hot tubs, we might have figured it out by now.

Infertility is complex and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer for the millions of women out there trying to have kids. Assuming that your little tip can fix everyone’s problem is a little like telling me “not to stress out so much.”  To be honest, it’s insulting. It insinuates that my problem is small and fixable, or that it’s something I just haven’t thought about yet. I realize that the people who make these comments honestly believe that they are helping. Maybe you honestly believe that you got pregnant simply because you had sex with a pillow under your ass. I appreciate that you want to help. But unless you have a doctorate in obstetrics that you’re hiding, I’m not quite sure if you can.

Look, it’s hard to find the words to say to a woman struggling with infertility. I know! I have a hard time talking to myself about it. I realize that you’re floundering to make conversation and saying, “Have you tried eating more red meat?” is just a way to fill the void. But instead of comforting me, I just want to scream in your face, “Really? Red meat? Are you serious?” I mean, that’s what goes through my head. When my eyes glaze over after that comment, I’m not dreaming of steak. I’m trying really hard not to let you know that I have a distinct urge to scream in your face.

So from now on, if I mention my troubles conceiving in the course of our conversation or the topic comes up, feel free to say nothing. I know that you can’t make all my problems go away and I’m not asking you to. But try to understand that I’m possibly spending thousands of dollars for doctors to fix whatever issue I have going on in my uterus. So even though your tips are free, I’m a little past the “Drink lots of green tea” phase. Thanks.

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