I Feel Like A Crap Mom – And My Baby Isn’t Even Here Yet
I know you may be thinking, you have time – and you would be right. But it’s not just the fact that I have purchased absolutely nothing in preparation for the new little one about to come into my life. It’s the fact that this pregnancy has been so distinctly different than the first.Â
What can I say? With the first pregnancy I was sort of a woman obsessed. We had been trying to get pregnant for so long that when it finally happened I was consumed with all things baby. I spent hours on the BabyCenter message boards, meticulously comparing my development with other pregnant women out there. I charted my baby’s development week-by-week. At any moment I could tell you what fruit my child most closely resembled and what his new in-utero milestones were. He has eyelashes now! And he’s sucking his thumb!
This time around – not so much. I realized this the other day when my visiting sister asked me, about how big is she now? I thought for a minute and honestly couldn’t believe I didn’t know. Um, I think she’s about as big as a honeydew. My sister looked at me, confused.
This question sent me into an introspective tailspin. How big is she? Why don’t I know this? I should check BabyCenter. Oh, she’s a butternut squash. Totally not a honeydew.Â I walked into the guest room of my other sister’s house, where my family is staying until we get settled in our new home state of Florida. Hanging from a tiny hanger on the closet was the most adorable little lime-green girly dress. It hit me that I hadn’t purchased even one of these cute little things since I became pregnant. Why am I ignoring my fetus?
I have to admit I was hit with a little pang of guilt. Was I already being a shitty mother – even before she was born? The Doppler that I bought to methodically check the heartbeat of my first born sits in storage somewhere – unused. We’re not having another baby shower, so so much for poring over registries for hours on end. Apart from the times when I feel her little kicks – I’m not really spending much time thinking about this little girl that is about to be born. That sounds awful. But seriously, compared to my first pregnancy – I’m damn near being neglectful.