The Breeder Dictionary: Common Phrases That Parents and Non-Parents Confuse
Child-free folks, have you noticed that your parent friends seem like they have been invaded by pod people? Child-full people, can you barely understand the lives your single friends lead? Even the most seemingly straightforward communication becomes fraught with weirdness. Well, you can breathe easy now, with this helpful non-parent/parent dictionary.
1. ”Life has been so hectic.”
Non-parent: I am really slammed at work. I haven’t been to the gym in three weeks and I ate lunch at my desk every day but Friday! Oh, hey, did you see The Bachelor last night? Crazy!
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Parent: I have three sick kids and I haven’t showered in four days. I eat Ritz crackers and wash them down with last week’s coffee. When my children descend into fitful sleep, I feverishly attempt to ”work remotely,” accomplishing nothing of value, until I pass out. I will only return your call if you text me that your husband left you. For a man. Who is my own husband.
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2. ”Haven’t had sex in a while.”
Non-Parent: ”Between Jason’s promotion and my business really taking off, we only really have a few hours a night together. Also mornings. But those are rushed because we have to walk the dog. We’re only having sex 2-3 times a week. Not including weekends.”
Parent: ”I have not seen my partner naked in two months, except when he changed his clothes because the kids vomited on him last week.”
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3. ”Issues with my mother-in-law.”
Non-parent: ”She was so intrusive at our wedding. It’s always her, her, her. Well, whatever, we see her a couple times a month and sometimes I meet her for coffee. She’s fine in small doses.”
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Parent: ”She surprised the kids with a kitten and she knows I have allergies. She doesn’t believe that Oliver has ADHD and says it must be because I don’t spend enough time with him. When I see her number on my phone I develop instantaneous hives, or maybe that is the damn kitten.”
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4. ”Haven’t been getting out much.”
Non-parent: ”Aside from my sculpting class and my weekly book club, I haven’t been doing much. Oh and dinners out with my husband when we’re too tired to cook. Last night we checked out that new place. I had the duck.”
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Parent: ”I haven’t been out after 8PM in 14 months. I know because that’s the baby’s age. I’m so starved for adult conversation that I tried to stretch out the kindergarten parent-teacher conference. I thought the teacher was really into me too, but then she didn’t accept my friend request.”
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5. ”Need a vacation after my vacation!”
Non-parent: ”Between windsurfing, salsa lessons, and, to be honest, drinking entirely too many of those pink drinks, I came home more exhausted than when I left. And I only have the weekend to recoup before work on Monday.”
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Parent: ”The emergency clinic in the Bahamas wasn’t that bad actually. It’s good to know that Sam has a life-threatening allergy to jellyfish, so that we can be prepared in the future. The baby’s sleep got messed up, so now we’re co-sleeping again. What was that? Well, thanks for noticing, I’m just taking a more Zen approach now. And I’ve been prescribed hundreds of milligrams of Xanax.”
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