The Breeder Dictionary: Common Phrases That Parents and Non-Parents Confuse

Child-free folks, have you noticed that your parent friends seem like they have been invaded by pod people? Child-full people, can you barely understand the lives your single friends lead? Even the most seemingly straightforward communication becomes fraught with weirdness.  Well, you can breathe easy now, with this helpful non-parent/parent dictionary.

1. “Life has been so hectic.”

Non-parent: I am really slammed at work. I haven’t been to the gym in three weeks and I ate lunch at my desk every day but Friday! Oh, hey, did you see The Bachelor last night? Crazy!

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Parent: I have three sick kids and I haven’t showered in four days. I eat Ritz crackers and wash them down with last week’s coffee. When my children descend into fitful sleep, I feverishly attempt to “work remotely,” accomplishing nothing of value, until I pass out. I will only return your call if you text me that your husband left you. For a man. Who is my own husband.

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2. “Haven’t had sex in a while.”

Non-Parent: “Between Jason’s promotion and my business really taking off, we only really have a few hours a night together. Also mornings. But those are rushed because we have to walk the dog. We’re only having sex 2-3 times a week. Not including weekends.”

Parent: “I have not seen my partner naked in two months, except when he changed his clothes because the kids vomited on him last week.”

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