Things Not To Say To A Parents of Twins Unless You Want Them To Fight You
“Which one is the quiet one?”
Whichever one isnâ€™t screaming. Parents of twins run on either/or, next question.
Â “Did You Use Fertility Drugs/Do Twins Run In Your Family?”
Â I donâ€™t know why people feel comfortable asking this of a complete stranger*, for me it is akin to going up to a particularly busty woman and asking if she has implants (I see those fun things you have there, how did you get them?) IÂ neverÂ know how to answer this. If I say â€œNoâ€ Iâ€™m lying, but maybe this person is asking because they award prizes to the super fertile and free stuff is my love language. If I say â€œYesâ€ I worry they will scream â€œCHEATER!â€ in my face and quote Bible verses at me while making the sign of the cross over my devil spawn.
*Unless you are personally dealing with infertility, in which case if you confide in me I still need to go before the kids lose it but I will hug you if you let me and give you my emailÂ Â because I have been there and know how helpful talking about it can be.
“Did You Have A C Section/How Long Was Your Labor?”
I know exchanging labor war stories is common among new moms seeking company, and hearing someoneâ€™s labor tale can a good indicator of where they fall on the Santimommy Scaleâ„¢, the one we all secretly have in our heads to filter potential mom friends that goes from â€œI had a homebirth because doctors are devils armed with autism filled needlesâ€ to â€œI scheduled an Elective C- Section and handed her off to the Au Pair so they could start on my tummy tuck.â€ So this doesnâ€™t seem like it would be a loaded question. But twins are commonly born prematurely, are at a higher risk for complications during delivery and many, mine included, spent time in the NICU before coming home. Itâ€™s been over a year and I still have very strong and very mixed emotions about my pregnancy and labor. So unless you are my therapist, donâ€™t ask me about it.Â Â And besides, even if I had experienced a full term, all-natural, orgasmic tub birth, this is still not a conversation parents of twins want to have with a complete stranger, particularly not while standing in the seafood department.
“How Much Weight Did You Gain?”
For some reason this questions usually get hurled as Iâ€™mÂ Â in a crowded checkout line at a clothing store with no hope of a graceful exit and lots of eavesdroppers, meaning I canâ€™t pull a Mariah Carey and storm away. Finding the time to shop is difficult and I really donâ€™t want to have to leave and then come back to buy these exact same items just because you canâ€™t decide by looking at me if I fit your definition of an acceptable post baby body. Rather than embarrass us both by asking me this, please just scrutiny my ass through my yoga pants and debate the issue with your girlfriend in a loud whisper. Even thoughÂ I can hear you.
“Here Comes Double Trouble!”
I haaaate this one, mainly because my kids very rarely do anything in public besides smile and wave frantically at everyone like miniature versions ofÂ Â Honey BooBoo.Â Â A parent with a one well behaving infant doesnâ€™t get told by strangers that their child is a hooligan just for the sake of a verbal limerick.Â Â ConGAGulations, you made a rhyme, you witty devil you. Now move, youâ€™re blocking the mac and cheese.
I know that Iâ€™m lucky to have my sons, and that the attention and comments are intended to be positive. But saying â€œcute kidsâ€ as we pass you and continue on would be much better for my kids nap schedule, as well as my temper.
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