STFU Parents: Five Gross Things Parents Shouldn’t Post About On Facebook Other Than Poop

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Something I’ve noticed about status update trends is that parents tend to think that if they avoid posting photos of their baby’s dirty diaper, they can joke about other yucky things. Anyone who’s been around a baby for more than a few hours knows that the fun doesn’t stop with diaper changes, as children are capable of grossing you out in LOTS of interesting ways. And while I think some parents do draw the line at cracking jokes about diarrhea, they still manage to get a kick out of posting about their babies’ various other nasty habits, all of which are involuntary because hey, they’re babies.

I’m not sure if the majority of these parents are trying to shock their friends, gross them out, or make them laugh, but the stuff they’re describing isn’t any less gag-inducing than stuff like this. Here’s a selection of the types of topics parents should avoid discussing, even if they never post about poop. You can’t just exchange one for the other!

1. Barf

The most common type of gross-out update after posting about poop is baby barf. Babies are prone to throwing up in the unlikeliest of times and places, and parents often enjoy recapping those incidents for their friends. At first, it can be kind of funny to read about. The “ew” factor is pretty high, but since people expect babies to puke it can read as predictably humorous. That is, until photos are involved.

2. Burps

Question: Would you rather read about a baby throwing up or a baby burping?

Answer: Whichever one doesn’t involve a description of “chewing afterwards.”

3. Phlegm 

If you find yourself stringing together the words “puke,” “booger,” and “slime balls” just before comparing the size of something your kid coughed up to a small fist, stop, go outside, and think about what you almost just did. Put yourself in a quick time out. It’ll be better for everyone.

4. Farts

Again, if the word “spray” is being used in your status update to describe an act that doesn’t involve hair product or a car wash, you might want to re-think it. Yes, being doused in crap is a part of one’s job as a parent, but trust me when I say there are a lot of people who don’t want to picture you, their friend, covered in the aftermath of “a huge wet fart.”

5. Boogers

Here’s an example of posting about something relatively harmless, like a booger, and then elaborating on it to the point of disgust. I could handle the unnecessary update on its own, but cracking the joke about it being smothered in cheese is just too much for me (and anyone else who’s ever eaten at a Waffle House). Parents, if you have nothing nice to say (about something other than what comes out of your baby’s body), just don’t say anything at all.