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STFU Parents: Parents Who Get Explosively Angry About Fourth Of July Fireworks Need To Chill, Part II

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3. Beating People Up Is Patriotic, Too

3. beat the hell out of them
I’m not sure what’s more typically American: Setting off fireworks on the Fourth of July, or naming your child “Saphora” and bantering about beating strangers’ asses on the internet on a national holiday. It’s times like these that Facebook lets our true spirit shine.

4. Dad Rage Is The Dorkiest Rage There Is

4. pre-baby, post-baby

We all know those crazy dads who scream at their kids’ sports coaches or threaten to murder any boys that try to ask out their daughters, but on the flip side of that, there are dorky dads, with their dorky jokes and dorky jeans and terrible attempts at keeping up with popular culture. Tom strikes me as a dorky dad, God bless him, but I’m not really sure he knows it. He just grills up well-done burgers and listens to Coldplay and contemplates life, and the funny little twists and turns that happen once you grow up and have kids, man. He’s just telling it like it is, reflecting on the past and the present and being a pretty nice guy about it. If I had to put money down, I’d say Tom is probably more likely to prepare a plate of s’mores for his annoying neighbors than cram a firework up someone’s ass. His Facebook post, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey-style, is endearingly woe is dad. Aw, shucks, Tom!

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