STFU Parents: Why Parents Should Avoid Complaining About Fireworks On The Fourth

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Every year, I get a bunch of Fourth of July submissions that are basically fireworks commentary. As it turns out, the minute you become a parent is the minute you become a fireworks commentator. Prior to this transformative experience, you probably just wander around not really thinking much about fireworks, unless you’re the type who drives two states over just to purchase a large box of explosive pyrotechnics, OR you’re the type who feels sorry for your poor dog because loud booms make her bark her head off. It’s not until you become a parent that fireworks suddenly destroy your whole world, because either your baby can’t sleep through them or your toddler is scared by them or maybe you yourself want to get a little shut-eye before your child wakes up at the crack of dawn.

Whatever your reason, if you’re a parent you likely have a strong opinion one way or another on fireworks. You either love them (a.k.a “tolerate them” because you used to love them, back before you had a baby), or you can’t STAND them and the only way to get through the week of the Fourth is to complain incessantly on Facebook.

As we all know, Facebook is the gateway to Complaintville, especially around holidays like the Fourth of July or New Year’s Eve when people are encouraged to stay up late and watch things explode — sometimes over a neighbor’s lawn, house, or car. And the truth is, I understand the impulse to complain, just as I understand the impulse to shoot off fireworks until  two a.m., but what I don’t understand is why people even bother.

Yes, fireworks can be annoying. Yes, they are loud and dangerous and illegal in many states. But none of those things is going to stop America from partying the same way it has for decades, by being loud, drunk, and stupid. Also, some parents like to call the shots (so to speak) and explicitly lay out rules as to when fireworks are okay.

For some, there’s a 15-minute window in which shooting off fireworks will not elicit groans or calls to the police, but there’s absolutely no way for neighbors to know when that window exists unless they’re friends with those parents on Facebook. Hence, the Fourth inspires a clusterfuck of status update activity that lasts until the seventh of July, when everyone finds something new to complain about. It’s a vicious cycle.

So this year, even if you want to complain about your neighbors, just don’t. It’s already been done, and no one cares anyway, so maybe consider eating a late night hot dog and taking in the spectacle without your phone in hand. Trust me, it’ll all be over by morning.

1. Scheduling

STFU Parents

Yes, Kira, that is too bad…for you. Unfortunately holiday celebrations are not typically scheduled around a toddler’s bedtime. Them’s the breaks.

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