This ‘Leadership Conference’ For Teenage Boys Is All About Beer And Titties

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texas boys stateTexas has grown on me, that’s true. After struggling against the tide of toddler pageants and horrendous bumper to bumper traffic caused by parents pulling their cars over to get a picture of their dumb kids in a field full of bluebonnets in 500° weather, I’ve learned to love some things, like the wide variety of tacos available here and the relatively low cost of living.

But my old hatred for Texas gurgled up again this morning in the form of a vurp when I read about this year’s Texas Boys State leadership conference, which took a turn for the douchey last month.

According to Raw Story, this handpicked group of Texas’ finest attended the conference, which is put on by The American Legion, and then proceeded to go full dickmonkey. The boys were divided into two fictional parties–The Federalists and The Nationalists–and each had to run a campaign, which is where the fun begins.

The Nationalist party ran a campaign on a few different platforms, tackling the issues of abortion and teen pregnancy head on. According to Jezebel, the talking points on abortion include such gems as:

“1. Abortions are illegal in all cases except the ones where a woman becomes pregnant as the result of being raped and women who have medical issues that necessitate here [sic]to terminate the pregnancy.”


“2. A judge can be the only one that decides if someone actually became pregnant as the result of a rape. A doctor can be the only one that allows for a termination due to health issues.”

which would be funny in a farcical sort of way if women in Texas weren’t already dealing with the kind of gold-plated, class A bullshit regarding our reproductive rights that only Margaret Atwood and our own governor, Rick “the hair” Perry could dream up.

Then there’s the stance on teen pregnancy, which looks a little like this:

“In the case of teen pregnancies, three years of optional welfare can be provided as long as the person raises the child themselves and notifies their community that they are receiving welfare.”

Now, before you go thinking that this last one was conceived with the idea of shaming girls, the fine, upstanding young men of America’s most hilariously backwards state want you to know that it’s really just to help them:

“So you know how sex offenders have to go door to door, basically it’s the same concept except the teen pregnant mom has to go door to door. We’re not trying to shame them, we’re just trying to get them help from the community.”

Oh, that clears it up. It’s good they added that information, because you wouldn’t get it from the campaign speeches, which were short and sweet, like the one that comprised of just three words:

“Beer and Titties”.


Is this a case of teenagers just being horrible? Maybe. I know that if the kids that were dubbed “leadership” kids in my high school did this kind of stuff someone would have swooned and a few people would have been expelled.

The reason I look at it so somberly is because these boys are not far off. They might be teenagers, but the men in office now aren’t. The elected “leaders” with a warped version of biblical values and a thorough misunderstanding of what vaginas do are already hard at work passing legislature that does not, in fact, look much different from the ones these boys came up with.

I seriously hope that Texas boys get their shit together by the time my daughter has to interact with them on a daily basis as a teenager. Is that fair? Do I know it isn’t ALL teen boys? Of course. And if I didn’t, one of the boys at the conference can clear it up for me with this very eloquent (very long) internet comment:

Sexism Works Both Ways
My name is Benjamin Gerzik, and I am proud to have participated in this year’s Texas Boys’ State. This article is not only offensive to those who gained so much from the program, but an unnecessarily vitriolic misrepresentation of its proceedings. I’ll address all of the points made in this article as best as I can, starting from the beginning.To begin with, I was a member of the Federalist Party, and consequently cannot speak for the abortion platform referenced as it belonged to the Nationalists. However, the point raised about 2005’s Boys’ State proves only the opposite of this article’s obviously biased stance; after reading the rest of this you’ll see that this Boys’ State is by far the most progressive, accepting group to date.Sadly, I was unable to be a part of the “Cold Beer and Titties” speech, but you said it best yourself: shenanigans are inevitable. I’m sure (and I hope) that this was an attempt at comedy, much like the statesman who did stand-up while running for office. 

See? It’s funny. Lighten up, vaginas.

(Image: Facebook)