Liberals Are Supposed to Start the Second Civil War Today, But So Far I’ve Just Had Several Beers

Ugh, see? All I had planned for the Fourth of July was some day-drinking and sparklers by the pool. Now I’m going to have to get my ass to the front lines of battle! Liberals really need to consider using some sort of shareable calendar, this sort of thing requires planning. In case you missed it, conspiracy theorist and walking, talking festering sore Alex Jones killed our plans for a surprise attack when he shared the news about the Second Civil War. If your Evite went to spam, here’s the gist: liberals are planning a massive civil war to take place today, on the Fourth of July. Jones is known for his ridiculous theories (he’s the Sandy Hook truther, after all), but they’re usually not at all hilarious. This one is pure gold, and of course, liberals responded in kind.

The Second Civil War could not be more poorly timed. After all, with all the liberals on the front lines, who will make the sangria and blow up the patriotic pool floats?

The news that our services would be needed for the war came as a surprise to a lot of us. It requires an immense amount of planning, how could we mobilize on such short notice?! Are we supposed to Uber to the front lines? Who’s in charge of snacks and drinks? Will there be child care? Who will design our uniforms (please say Christian Siriano!)?

People had questions!

Of course, it wouldn’t be the Second Civil War without some letters home.

I mean, I’m always down for a block party, but I’m going to need some details. How much glitter are we talking about here? I’m fine with weaponizing it. However, there needs to be a glitter vaccine for our side, you know? We know our potato salad will be seasoned WITHOUT RAISINS. But will there be a vegan menu? Treats for the dogs? Can we use Starbucks mobile ordering, or do I need to bring my French press?

I fear we have not planned well enough and will need to reschedule our Second Civil War, friends. Let’s all agree to meet at predetermined locations (let’s call them polling places to keep it easy) on, like November 6, 2018? Does that work for everyone?

(Image: iStock/rcyoung)

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