NYC Parents Are Throwing ‘Red Carpet Birthday Parties’ To Ensure They Are Breeding Future A-Holes

The humble Bouncy Castle has been dethroned from its status as King of the Cool Birthday Party. Now, your birthday boy or girl can spend a special day pretending to be a celebrity, complete with red carpet walks, paparazzi photo shoots, an award ceremony, and a door-person to usher them fawningly into the ‘VIP Event Space’. Yeah, it looks just as obnoxious as it sounds.


Red Carpet Kids bills itself as ‘New York’s most unique and exciting immersive entertainment & event experience’, and on its website, offers ‘the opportunity to step into the exciting world of being a Hollywood celebrity.’ Except, I guess, without the years of low-paying, putting-in-your-time roles; the hoping desperately to catch a lucky break; or the 14-hour work days on set. Even Kim Kardashian is an entrepreneur and an Internet-breaking provocateur (provocateuse? My French is rusty).

These birthday parties include a six-person staff of actors and actresses to pander and scrape to your precious snowflake’s whims. Just take a moment to be transfixed by the image of a bunch of struggling actors handing out fake Grammys or Oscars to spoiled children for imaginary music videos and movies. Finally, someone has found a way to take the idea of participation trophies to the next level, by handing them out for something kids didn’t even actually participate in the first place. The last person to get an award that they so clearly hadn’t earned was probably Taylor Swift at the 2009 VMAs. (Sorry, Taylor, but it’s the truth.)

I don’t usually like to engage in hand-wringing over ‘kids these days’. I refuse to accept that cell phones and technology are destroying human relationships, I don’t think the words ‘bae’ or ‘obvi are the scourge of the English language (that would probably be ‘hedge fund manager’), and I think the kids are probably more or less all right. This, however? This is my “get off my lawn” moment, everyone. I cannot imagine spending approximately the cost of a year’s tuition at the local technical college on a single birthday party, especially one devoted to this particular brand of nonsense. Of course, it’s parents’ money and they have the right to do with it as they please, but this is my brain and I have the right to feel it melt out of my ears in response.

The Red Carpet Kids spokesperson mentions that she “kind of fee[s]l like everyone should be able to have a red carpet moment.” And your child can have one, too! As long as you have somewhere from $3,000 and $20,000 just lying around. (Having live reindeer to pull a sleigh through the city will cost you extra, apparently.) If being a paparazzi-stalked musician or actor isn’t your kid’s thing, either, don’t worry: there’s also the option for a ‘Frozen on the Red Carpet‘ party, because of course there is. The super-special Frozen package still comes along with a photo shoot, as well as princess stylists and costumes and a Frozen video sing-along. And instead of handing an award to your little princess, they will hand her a crown and scepter in an Arendelle coronation ceremony. Good luck asking the Queen of Arendelle to take out the trash or walk the dog the week after her birthday bash. But maybe you can pay a struggling actor to do it for her?

(Image: ABC News)

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