8 Non-Traditional Milestones Parents Are Really Looking Forward To

When you become a parent, you inevitably start looking forward to various milestones: first steps, first word, first missing tooth. Those are sweet and all, but there are other milestones to daydream about; milestones that don’t appear in the books or on the message boards. They’re the ones you think about when you’re yanking 8 pairs of dirty socks from beneath your child’s bed. They’re the ones that make your parental duties just a tiny bit easier. Here are eight non-traditional milestones parents┬áreally look forward to:

1. When they’re old enough to clean a toilet.


Go clean your own disgusting bathroom, Kid. Maybe even clean mine while you’re at it. After all, you owe me.

2. When they know how to make coffee.


If you’re going to wake up when it’s still dark outside on the weekends, the least you could do is get the coffee going before you come jump on my head. I mean, that’s just common courtesy.

3. When they start hating Caillou.


This will be me when that sweet, sweet day finally comes. Sure, it probably means they’ll want to start watching obnoxious and wildly inappropriate teeny-bopper shows, but we’ll worry about that later. I’m keeping my eye on the prize.

4. When they can clean their own room. Without a clean-up song.


“Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere. Clean up, clean up, do it yourself while I go take a nap or you’re grounded.” What? Is that not how the song goes?

5. When they can shower.


Bath time with little kids is such a chore. There’s a million toys everywhere and splashing and no one wants to sit still to actually get clean. Showers are where it’s at. Now if I could just get my kids to stop being afraid of them…

6. When toilet paper stops looking like a toy.


The toilet paper in the kids’ bathroom has never been on the holder because we have to hide it from them. If we forget to hide it? Well, let’s just say I’ve had to fish entire rolls of paper out of the bowl on more than one occasion.

7. When craft supplies stop looking like food.


Paint, glue, clay, glitter — it’s all food for a few years. Even once they’re tried it and know it’s gross they still go after it. How fun will it be when you can sit down to do an activity together and no one tries to eat your project? Glitter-free poop! That’s all we want here.

8. When nose-picking becomes something you do in private.


Everybody picks their nose, but everyone doesn’t do it constantly while walking through the grocery store and then try to hand the boogers to their parents. Do your thing, kid. Just do it on your own. Also, wash your hands.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

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