No One In My Family Cares That I Empty The Dishwasher
The first thing I do when I wake up (After I urinate and brush my teeth, doy) is empty the dishwasher. At four thirty a.m. while everyone is my house is still asleep. Then I feed the cat, make lunches, and finally have a cup of coffee. Before my house is awake with kids going on runs, breakfasts being prepared, dogs taken out and backpacks checked. I have started to hate this job more than anything. I don’t like my kids having to do chores before school and if I don’t empty the dishwasher first thing, everyone will put dirty dishes on top of the clean ones so the dishwasher emptying falls on me.
It’s not a huge deal, but it’s just one of those jobs where I absolutely despise doing it. I dread it. It annoys me. And I was thinking about how in most households the bulk of the housekeeping always falls on someone, usually the person who is home more. I know my family appreciates me, but it’s these sorts of stupid dishwasher tasks that I never get props for. I know we have days like Mother’s Day that are supposed to encapsulate a year’s worth of pre-dawn dishwasher emptying, but I think that these stupid tasks, the ones we hate the most, are the ones people should be recognizing us for on a daily basis.
I deserve a medal. And you probably do to. So here we go.
For The Dishwasher Emptying Mom
I give you the award of BEST DISHWASHER EMPTIER EVER.Even though people always put the silverware into the silverware compartment wrong and don’t rinse the plates properly before adding them, you still empty this stupid stupid dishwasher everyday and I appreciate you!
For The Recycling Bin Mom
Because you are the only person who knows how to rinse cans and bottles before putting them in the recycling bin.
For The Sock Finding Mom
You are the mom moving the stupid heavy dryer away from the wall so you can find the sock friends who have magically lost their mate for some stupid reason, probably because one of your dumb kids has dumped all their clothing on top of the dryer for you to wash instead of being a normal human and carrying it down to the washer in a hamper. It’s because of YOU that the socks have matching friends. You deserve like a hundred boxes of fancy chocolate.
For The Toilet Paper Roll Replacing Mom
Why are you the only person who replaces the toilet paper roll? Is it just because you have a vagina that gives you magical powers so you realize that seeing the brown cardboard peaking through the last scrap of tissue means the rolls needs to be replaced? Regardless, YOU deserve a vacation somewhere warm and tropical where you are served delicious adult beverages.
For The Mom With A Newborn Who Managed To Brush Her Teeth And Put On A Shirt Without Spit Up On It
You deserve someone you find attractive, quite possibly a famous movie star, saying this to you over and over again all day.
For The Cleaning Up The Trash That The Raccoons Got Into Mom
No one else notices that someone yet again forgot to put the lid on the can so the raccoons have been snacking on your trash all night, and throwing it all over your driveway like confetti. Because you are the person out there picking that stank up, you deserve a giant pile of diamonds.
For The Throwing Out Last Week’s Congealing Pasta In The Back Of The Refrigerator Mom
Who does your family thinks does this nasty job? Magical refrigerator cleaning elves who realize no one is going to eat these leftovers after a week? They just sneak in and scrape the food into the garbage and then soak the plastic container? NO, you do it, and you deserve a monthly massage for it.
For The Cleaning Up The Toothpaste Spit On The Bathroom Mirror Mom
Because you are the ONLY person who knows the bathroom mirror isn’t supposed to be covered in white spit drops, you deserve a giant pile of money.
The Not Leaving One Swig Of Milk In The Carton Mom
Because you are the only jerk in your family who doesn’t do this, you deserve a stay in a fancy hotel room with room service and pay-per-view new release movies and a giant bathtub.
(Image: Everett Collection/shutterstock)
