While out Christmas shopping with her kids last week, a New Jersey mom got driven to the very edge of her holiday sanity. We all know this edge — it’s the one that made me threaten to cancel Christmas on Christmas morning. In this mother’s case, it made her whip out her cell phone and threaten to call Santa to tell him how badly her kids were behaving. And that’s when the Christmas Spirit hauled off and smacked her one, proving again that Christmas isn’t about grown-ups and that we should take a moment to go suck it.
According to the Trentonian Times, a woman named Rachel was out with her 2, 4, and 6-year old daughters. (My blood pressure is already raised and nothing has happened yet.) Her family had just moved to a new town, and she was driving around in unfamiliar surroundings when her daughters started fighting. They were ”really going at, hitting each other, weren’t listening to me when I told them to stop,” so Rachel pulled out her phone and told the girls she was calling Santa.
You’re damn right, she did.
She was in the midst of pretending to talk to Santa and telling him how disrespectful her daughters were acting when she passed a police officer. Talking on a hand-held phone while driving is illegal in new Jersey, so Rachel threw down her phone.
”My 4-year-old thought I hung up on Santa. And I’m sure the officer thought I was involved in a heated conversation.”
It was too late. Because Christmas loves only the children, she got pulled over. Rachel tried to explain to the officer that she had been talking to Santa, but that did not go over as smoothly as she had hoped.
”I didn’t want to ruin Santa Claus for my girls, so I was trying to be vague about it,” she said. ”So I told the officer my girls weren’t behaving and that I had to call Santa Claus. I was trying to make him understand without giving it up. And he’s just looking at me like I’m crazy.”
Then a second cop pulled up, because fuck you, Rachel, you overworked and stressed out mother of three. This officer saw that her inspection sticker had just expired that month and wanted to impound her car.
Okay, Christmas. We get it. Kids rule, parents drool.
The two officers argued about it for a while, Rachel’s four-year-old asked them not to arrest her mother, and finally the demon soul of Christmas decided to let Rachel keep her car but gave her a $145 ticket for being past inspection.
So let that be a lesson to us for next Christmas. Santa will not be denied, people. His dark magic is stronger than you know, and he will not hesitate to use it against any parent who stands in his way. Just give the kids all the presents, and pie for breakfast, and no one gets hurt.
Only 364 more days till Christmas!