10 Lies I Have Told Other Moms About Parenting

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lies moms sayI like to think I’m a honest person. I usually tell it like it is and I’m pretty blunt, so I don’t have an issue with telling people the truth. But I have noticed that throughout the years I have a tendency to say things that aren’t completely true. And it isn’t like these little fibs are going to hurt anyone or cause irreparable damage, but when I add them all up I think it’s pretty safe to say that my pants are indeed, on fire. I think I am coming from a good place when I say these things, I either want to make other moms – or myself- feel better or reassure them about the trials and tribulations of parenthood, but just for the record, none of these things I have ever said are true.

They Will Grow Out Of It 

I have NO idea that your kid will grow out of anything! You say they are picking their nose and rubbing it on your walls and I say :

Meh, they will grow out of it. 

I have NO idea if they will grow out of it! Maybe they will grow to be a creepy adult person who does this and they will never find a job or a partner and they will forever live in your basement and wallpaper your walls with their bodily creepiness and fill your DVR up with recordings of Wrestlmania reruns. I have no idea.

 Your Baby Is Beautiful 

I usually reserve this one when confronted with a creepy looking baby who resembles an underweight spider monkey. In reality, your baby is not beautiful. It won’t be beautiful for a few more weeks after its pointy little head starts forming into a normal shape and it loses all those white pimply milia thingies. Sorry, your baby is so not beautiful.

Having Two Kids is Not That Much Different Than Having One

I have NO idea why I say this. Of course it is different! Just take one kid and having to change their diapers and deal with teething and sleep issues and double the mess. I think what I mean to say is “It’s not that different, now you’re just doubly fucked.”

 Breastfeeding Isn’t So Hard 

Hahahaha! Yeah, right! No, it isn’t so hard when you have done it with a few different kids and you sort of realize how hard it can be. Breastfeeding takes practice and a ton of patience and access to a mess of other women who have done it so you can get advice. And with all of that, it still may not work out.

 All Kids Really Need Is Love 

I have no idea why I spout this sort of Hallmark-ian bullshit, but it’s a total lie. Yeah, kids need love and a whole mess of other stuff that costs a bunch of money including 89 dollar Lego sets and 200 dollar sneakers when they are in high school. Love, haha, that’s funny.

Stretch Marks Will Fade

They may fade a teensy tiny bit, but once you get ’em, you got ’em. When I say your partner doesn’t care about the fact you have stretch marks, this part is true because they just want oral sex anyway. Oral sex oral sex oral sex.

 My Kid Never Did That 

I think we can all admit to uttering this one, especially if the act the kid in question is doing is something unpleasant. I’m not sure if we all have a little bit of sanctimommy in us or what, but there have been times when some poor mom I know will admit her kid is doing something obnoxious or yucky and I have replied “Oh, my kid never did that” when in reality I went through the same damn thing with my own damn kid. Chances are, no matter how you hold your pinkie when sipping your afternoon tea, your toddler went through a phase where they found burping really, really funny.

 I Don’t Let My Kids Watch That Much TV 

OK, so I want to be one of those moms who doesn’t let their kids watch a lot of TV. The reality is? My kids watch too much damn TV, which is why my daughter can almost recite the entire commercial for Cuddleuppets by heart.

My Kid Did That Too 

The opposite of “My kid never did that” is when you have a group of moms together and someone mentions when their kid started walking or talking or reading or some other developmental milestone and I have, on occasion, chimed in about how my own kid did that. But earlier. Or better. When in reality I think my kids sort of did everything at the age of what the parenting books said they should be expected to. We all want our kids to be some sort of special snowflake, when the truth is all of our kids sort of suck equally.

It’s No Problem  

Have your kid over for a sleepover when I’m just getting over the flu? It’s no problem! Carpool even though I was planning on running errands after? No problem! Spend my day off babysitting your newborn so you can get your hair did? No problem. Love to! I have maybe one mom friend (Hi MiMi!) who I can be totally honest with, but the majority of them I just smile and agree to do whatever they are asking.  And the thing is, I’m willing to do all sorts of stuff for other moms but yeah, it’s a problem, and annoying, and an inconvenience and often a pain in the ass. I will happily do it, you will never know I’m a titch annoyed by doing it, but the next time you ask me for something? There better be a decent bottle of wine involved.

(Image: D Roberts)