You know it’s coming. At some point, your kid is going to beg you to get a pet. Many of you will give in. But how do you decide what kind of pet to get, when your children have one set of priorities and you have another? Let’s go through a list of ten possible pets and look at how your child’s thoughts about them will be vastly different from your own.
Child: Fun fun play fun!
You: Bags of shit. Never-ending bags of shit. And just when I got the last kid potty trained.
You: Sleeps on your clothes, but only if they are the opposite shade to the cat. Has nails like razor blades and is willing to use them.
Child: Our own Easter bunny!
You: Fluffy and cute, but hates to be held and will bite. What could possibly go wrong?
Child: It’s a little ball of fuzz and eyes and hands, and it runs in a wheel!
You: They’re nocturnal? Oh no. Oh. No. Get out of this now.
Other fun facts about hamsters: They only live for one to four years so get ready to mediate on death often, diarrhea can be fatal for them, and they are so territorial that they will kill any other animal in their cage.
(I’m gonna name mine SeÃ±or Drypoop McKillSqueak.)
Child: They’re so pretty and easy to take care of!
You: Don’t be fooled. You know who’s going to be cleaning the fish tank. And it starts with a “y” and ends in “ou.” Once your child realizes that the fish is not going to play with them, the thrill will be gone.
6. Guinea pig
Child: They’re like a ball of soft!
You: Sure, they’re cute. They’re also smelly and loud, which you already get enough of with your children.
Child: They come in pretty colors! Also, some of them can talk, and that’s awesome!
You: The second that parrot has a chance he is going to rat you out. “I know where the cookies are.” He’s also going to torture you all day long by imitating your doorbell. And to top it all off, that fucker is probably going to outlive you.
Child: Snakes are so cool!
Child: They are so cool! And they can walk around, and they’re really interesting!
You: Finally, a high-maintenance pet that looks like a dinosaur who can blend in with its surroundings, slice the shit out of you, and give you salmonella. It’s like a dream come true.
Child: Those guys are hilarious! They like to play and you can teach them tricks!
You: Also an animal with a unique odor that is usually described as “musky.” Also, they need a lot of entertainment, and can be messy and destructive, so it’s like adopting a two-year-old who is at the extreme end of the percentile for body length.
(Featured Image: Andresr / Shutterstock)