Body Image

Twitter Goes Nuts Over Trump’s White House Physical

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Well, this was fun! On Tuesday, the results of Trump’s White House physical were disclosed, and no one need worry. Donald Trump’s health is OUTSTANDING. Ok? There’s never been a healthier person. He’s the physical and mental embodiment of health, according to Trump and his doctor. Sweatergawd, do they think we’ve never SEEN Donald Trump? Or, gee I don’t know, heard him speak or read his brain diarrhea on Twitter? Obviously, people were not buying what the good doctor was selling. And the responses are already social media gold.

Donald Trump’s health is perfect. Which is pretty amazing, considering this is a guy who lives on fast food and Diet Coke.

Image: Giphy

According to White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson, the president* is in “excellent health”, with no cognitive issues. LOL, ok. During the press conference where the doc described the “excellent” health of the lump of uncooked chicken fat some people call the president, Dr. Jackson divulged some, um, questionable statistics. According to the physical, Trump stands 6’3″, and weighs 239 pounds.

Ummmmm. Hmmm. That’s … that doesn’t seem right. Especially considering his height is listed virtually everywhere else as 6’2″. But anywho, what’s an inch here or there, right?

Now, the 239 pounds. We need to discuss that. Because, and I say this with as much respect as I can muster for that piece of garbage, there is NO WAY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH that Donald Trump weighs 239 pounds. It’s just not possible. People who actually weigh 239 pounds are like, nah. Nope. Alternative facts.

Of course, Twitter lit the fuck up when these alternative facts were disseminated to the public. Because come on now. We’re not blind.

This is super interesting. Less than a point away from obesity. But nah, they wouldn’t fudge the numbers for that <eyeroll>. Not that BMI is an indicator of health, it’s problematic for a lot of reasons. But you KNOW that dummy doesn’t understand any of it. Which brings us to the cognitive issues!

Trump completed the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, which “includes asking a patient to name several animals, draw a clock with the hands at a certain time, copy a cube and recall a short list of words, among others.” That test sounds like what my toddler does in preschool for 2 hours twice a week. But remember, he’s a stable genius. So I’m sure it’s fine.

Perhaps the best thing to come out of this whole charade is the term “girther”. Remember how Trump rode the birther lie into the ground? Well, he gets his own little conspiracy term now.

I laughed for 4 straight minutes when I read that, not going to lie. So, there you have it. Donald Trump’s health shouldn’t be questioned, no matter what our eyes and ears tell us. Because he doesn’t lie, and we’re all wrong.

(Image: Twitter/@geokelley)