10 Things Your Baby Daddy Needs Right Now So Stop Being A Jerk And Give Them To Him

1Screen Shot 2013-07-19 at 9.42.16 AM__1374241448_74.134.205.46After I wrote my piece about what pregnant women need I received some backlash from Dads who were all WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE WHAT ABOUT MY NEEEEEEDS NO ONE EVER TELLS ANYONE WHAT I NEEEEED so I have compiled a list for those big baby men who get all pissy when you don’t talk about them and their wants. Just kidding boys, we all adore you and you are all awesome and yes, you deserve nice things too and thank you for putting your gigantic manly peni inside of us and getting us all pregnant. Thank you.

This list is not all inclusive, of course, but as a woman married to a man I think I’m some sort of expert (Wait, can I use sexxxxxxpert, because it sounds sexier) on what some men need, or at least men I know, but yeah, for all I know men could just need a box of Twinkies and the latest DVD season of Bunheads. But as someone who is a woman who knows some men, I think some men need these things.

Your Man Needs You To STFU And Stop Helicoptering Him So He Can Change This Damn Diaper From Hell 

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(Photo: Patricia Chumillas/shutterstock)

FFS woman back away from the damn changing table and let your man take care of this. He is doing just fine, and how do you ever expect him to learn if you are standing right there and saying stuff like “Nooooo, see, you have to put a changing pad on the table before and you should really grab the wipes before you start and oh God just let me do it.” Nuuuuuu. GO AWAY. Your man is a gazillion percent capable of dealing with removing shit from your child and cleaning your child and putting a fresh diaper on your child and throwing the shit away. Chill out, back off, go watch Scandal or something, sheesh. Your man can do this, LET HIM. Just because you have a vagina this does not mean you were born with some magical ability to perfectly change a diaper. You learned from practice and trial and error. As far as I know, no kid has ever died because the kid’s daddy put the Desitin on a little too thick so back the fuck off.

Your Man Needs Something In The Kitchen Besides Organic Purple Cauliflower 

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(Photo:  nito/shutterstock)

Listen, everyone appreciates the fact you are trying to take care of everyone and feed them only cruelty-free free-range organic meat products and fancy lettuce you buy for six dollars a container at the Whole Paycheck Foods , but your man did not grow up eating this way so damn woman, you let him have Cap’n Crunch around. Because how will he teach your kids about maritime law plus what it was like when he was a kid if he can’t share with them some of his favorite foods from his childhood? The occasional Pop Rock or McDonald’s french fry will not kill your kid, and maybe when your man feeds your kid this he will go into some lengthy story about being four and having his first Happy Meal with his grandpa who passed away when he was eight after they had an amazing fishing trip together and he never got to tell grandpa how much he loved him and damnit woman, now you’ve gone and made me cry.

Your Man Needs 20 Minutes Between The Time He Comes Home From Work And The Time He Walks In the Door 

This works for either man or woman, depending on who is the stay-at-home parent, unless you both work, then I suggest you both take this time separately before dealing with those brats you gave birth to. But for the purpose of this list, let’s assume you are at home and your man is at work.

He needs 20 minutes between dealing with the assholes at his place of employment and the assholes, including you, at your house. I don’t care if he stops at a bar for an after work cocktail for one drink close to your house – I’m not suggesting he get all blotto and get behind the wheel here. I don’t care if he pulls over before reaching your block and sits in his car googling swimsuit models and listening to Mike Jones‘s critically lauded Who Is Mike Jones double platinum selling album from 2005. I don’t care if he hits the gym after work. Or stops in the craft store to buy crochet yarn. The point is, he needs downtime between leaving the office and entering the house to play GUYS and help clean up dinner dishes and give piggy back rides up and down the stairs 30 times. Everyone needs this, and if he can’t stop somewhere on the way home when he gets in the door you hand him a bourbon or a can of Mountain Dew or a glass of water and you let him kiss everyone hello and go hide for 20 minutes either while he changes clothes or collapses on the bed and watches half of a DVR’s episode of the Colbert Report

Your Man Needs You To Stop Telling Him How To Put Your Kid To Bed 

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(Image: Wikipedia)

I don’t care if the before bedtime ritual includes your man crooning Stairway To Heaven to your 6-month-old. I don’t care if he is reading the Goodnight, Moon for the ninth time or the  Baseball Prospectus 2013 to your kid or engaging in the sort of defeating the purpose of getting-your-kid-to-chill-out-and-pass-out activity of PILLOW FIGHT WRESTLEMANIA LET’S THROW MR.BEAR AT YOUR HEAD WHILE YOUR KID’S HEAD WHILE THEY SHRIEK WITH LAUGHTER BEDTIME PARTY. I do not care. Let your man put your kid to sleep the way he wants to, on the condition of the nights when he puts the kid to sleep and the kid won’t go to sleep because dad has riled them all up that you do not have to go in and do sleepytime damage control.

 Your Man Needs You To Stop Telling Every Damn Thing To Your Mother. Or Your Sister. Or Your Best Friend. 

Do not tell me you don’t do this because you know damn well you do it and I have done it too, but you do not need to share every….single….detail… of everything that goes on in your marriage with someone you are not married to. Everyone needs people to talk to but as long as your husband is not telling his buddies how you called him a douchecanoe after your last fight you don’t need to go telling your mama how he is a dumbass moron who forgot to pick up milk again even though you sent him four text reminders and an email and left him a voicemail. Not everything is everyone else’s biz.

If you have a giant screaming rager with your partner there is a pretty good chance you will eventually make up. If you got real ugly and said some amazingly hurtful things to each other, but then you cleared the air and had sex on your kitchen floor do you really want your mom giving your partner the crook eye over the holiday mashed potatoes because he screamed at you that you are EXACTLY LIKE YOUR MOTHER? In a negative way? No, you do not. I assume you love the person you had babies with. Respect that some things are just for you two. Do not vent out every single detail to everyone else. And their dog. This obvs goes to men too.

Your Man Needs You – Not His Damn Mother 

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(Image: Everett Collection/shutterstock.com)

Are you washing your man’s socks for ANY other reason than he bought you a damn dozen diamond flowers or gave you the most amazing oral sex of your life or he said if you wash his that he will wash yours? If so, STOP. This goes for just about EVERY damn household chore you can imagine. Your man did not come out of your vagina. You did not raise him. You are not obligated to clean up or pick up after him and he is fully capable of doing this on his own, thank you very much. I don’t care which of you works outside the home. I don’t care who is the bigger breadwinner (sometimes I wish breadwinner actually meant that you win amazing loaves of French baguettes and super buttery croissants and all of that ) and I don’t care who stayed up until three a.m. with your colicky baby last night. You are under no obligation to be the house slave and your man deserves a partner, not someone who will wash his damn glass out for him.

This all can be negotiated in this fancy dance that we call life, but if you are changing the damn litter box you better believe he is taking you car to get detailed. Let him vacuum on occasion while you watch the game. And if he is one of those amazingly ol’ fashioned boys and/or one of Paula Deen‘s sons, feel free to print this out and stick it on the ‘fridge.

Your Man Needs You To Stop Making Fun Of All Of His Stupid Nerd Shit 

Your man likes something you cannot for the life of you understand WHY. It may be a movie, or TV show, or he may love attending conventions, or a certain band (I may or many not be married to a raging Emerson, Lake And Palmer fan) or collecting something. You need to let him enjoy this without constantly snarking about how lame it is. Unless his beloved hobby involves picking up hitchhikers and chopping them up and putting them in your basement freezer, you need to let him have whatever jam is his and enjoy it without you constantly reminding him that he is a moron for liking it. I bet you like something stupid too, and you may have even watched at least one of the Twilight movies, so shut up and let him have his thing, whatever that thing is.

Your Man Needs You, For The Love Of All That is Holy, To Change Out Of Those Stained Yoga Pants On Occasion 

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Listen, I think you are beautiful no matter what you wear, and so does your man, even when you have a t-shirt with a yogurt stain on it. But your sex life is so amazingly boring since you had kids. BRB I need a nap because now I’m so exhausted after thinking about your boring sex life. I’m not going to risk getting my Feminist â„¢ card revoked here, so I’m not going to tell you what skanky lingerie you need to be wearing, but there is something your man likes that you need to out on on occasion because I love you and even though you are lovely your sweatshirt from college isn’t giving anyone a boner.

I will assume you like being intimate with the man in your life and if you wanna foster intimacy a good way to do that is by dressing in the way in which your man enjoys. I don’t care if you buy a French Maid’s uniform or wear the shade of lipstick he likes or rip up his old Slayer T-shirt into a midriff top, you need to on occasion dress like the lady he dated before he went and got her all knocked up.

Your Man Needs You To Stop Asking Him What is Wrong 

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There is NOTHING wrong. Stop asking. He is tired and Game Of Thrones won’t be back on until spring of 2014.

 Your Man Needs You To Realize That If He Likes The Porn, The Porn Is Not About You 

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Repeat after me: THE PORN IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Repeat it again. The porn is so not about you. I cannot tell you how many women who FREAK THE FREAK out because on occasion their man looks at porn. Unless he is looking at porn that involves children or animals or killing people, in which case, hit me up and I will give you the number of an excellent divorce attorney, then you need to chill out about the porn. Men (and some women) are visual creatures. I have NO idea why, I’m not a fancy scientist. Men like looking at people having sex. Not all men do, but a lot do.

I can pretty much promise you this, when he is looking at the porn, he is NOT wishing you had bigger boobs or a different body or three inch French manicured nails or a diamond on your hoo-hah. At the very most, he is thinking “wow, that’s hot, I wanna get busy with my partner like this” or “I wonder how much a roundtrip couple’s ticket to that hotel in Lisbon costs” or “I should really buy some lube.” Watching porn does not mean your man doesn’t love you. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you sexy as all hell. It doesn’t mean he wants an affair, or a divorce, or he wishes you were younger or thinner or prettier or more flexible. It just means he likes looking at naked people doing naked people things. The porn is NOT about you. It does not mean your man is not a feminist, or that he hates women, or wants to degrade them, or is drooling over the co-ed who serves him coffee at Starbucks.

He may not even want to try the things the naked people are doing. He may be a million percent happy with whatever you do in your bedroom. So unless he is ignoring you or forgetting to pay the mortgage because he was busy looking at porn or spending all of your extra money on buying porn, you need to realize the porn is not about you.

(Photo: Photobac/shutterstock)

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