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10 Things Your Baby Daddy Needs Right Now So Stop Being A Jerk And Give Them To Him

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1Screen Shot 2013-07-19 at 9.42.16 AM__1374241448_74.134.205.46After I wrote my piece about what pregnant women need I received some backlash from Dads who were all WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE WHAT ABOUT MY NEEEEEEDS NO ONE EVER TELLS ANYONE WHAT I NEEEEED so I have compiled a list for those big baby men who get all pissy when you don’t talk about them and their wants. Just kidding boys, we all adore you and you are all awesome and yes, you deserve nice things too and thank you for putting your gigantic manly peni inside of us and getting us all pregnant. Thank you.

This list is not all inclusive, of course, but as a woman married to a man I think I’m some sort of expert (Wait, can I use sexxxxxxpert, because it sounds sexier) on what some men need, or at least men I know, but yeah, for all I know men could just need a box of Twinkies and the latest DVD season of Bunheads. But as someone who is a woman who knows some men, I think some men need these things.

Your Man Needs You To STFU And Stop Helicoptering Him So He Can Change This Damn Diaper From Hell 

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(Photo: Patricia Chumillas/shutterstock)

FFS woman back away from the damn changing table and let your man take care of this. He is doing just fine, and how do you ever expect him to learn if you are standing right there and saying stuff like “Nooooo, see, you have to put a changing pad on the table before and you should really grab the wipes before you start and oh God just let me do it.” Nuuuuuu. GO AWAY. Your man is a gazillion percent capable of dealing with removing shit from your child and cleaning your child and putting a fresh diaper on your child and throwing the shit away. Chill out, back off, go watch Scandal or something, sheesh. Your man can do this, LET HIM. Just because you have a vagina this does not mean you were born with some magical ability to perfectly change a diaper. You learned from practice and trial and error. As far as I know, no kid has ever died because the kid’s daddy put the Desitin on a little too thick so back the fuck off.

Your Man Needs Something In The Kitchen Besides Organic Purple Cauliflower 

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(Photo:  nito/shutterstock)

Listen, everyone appreciates the fact you are trying to take care of everyone and feed them only cruelty-free free-range organic meat products and fancy lettuce you buy for six dollars a container at the Whole Paycheck Foods , but your man did not grow up eating this way so damn woman, you let him have Cap’n Crunch around. Because how will he teach your kids about maritime law plus what it was like when he was a kid if he can’t share with them some of his favorite foods from his childhood? The occasional Pop Rock or McDonald’s french fry will not kill your kid, and maybe when your man feeds your kid this he will go into some lengthy story about being four and having his first Happy Meal with his grandpa who passed away when he was eight after they had an amazing fishing trip together and he never got to tell grandpa how much he loved him and damnit woman, now you’ve gone and made me cry.

Your Man Needs 20 Minutes Between The Time He Comes Home From Work And The Time He Walks In the Door 

This works for either man or woman, depending on who is the stay-at-home parent, unless you both work, then I suggest you both take this time separately before dealing with those brats you gave birth to. But for the purpose of this list, let’s assume you are at home and your man is at work.

He needs 20 minutes between dealing with the assholes at his place of employment and the assholes, including you, at your house. I don’t care if he stops at a bar for an after work cocktail for one drink close to your house – I’m not suggesting he get all blotto and get behind the wheel here. I don’t care if he pulls over before reaching your block and sits in his car googling swimsuit models and listening to Mike Jones‘s critically lauded Who Is Mike Jones double platinum selling album from 2005. I don’t care if he hits the gym after work. Or stops in the craft store to buy crochet yarn. The point is, he needs downtime between leaving the office and entering the house to play GUYS and help clean up dinner dishes and give piggy back rides up and down the stairs 30 times. Everyone needs this, and if he can’t stop somewhere on the way home when he gets in the door you hand him a bourbon or a can of Mountain Dew or a glass of water and you let him kiss everyone hello and go hide for 20 minutes either while he changes clothes or collapses on the bed and watches half of a DVR’s episode of the Colbert Report. 

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